Grab Your Bag, It's Grab Bag Day

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Memo to too many people to list: DUMB, DUMB, AND MORE DUMB.

What's longer than a Twitter feed, but shorter than a third of a Friday column? The stuff I need to write about today. So let's see how much commentary we can cram into a tiny space on today's extra-spastic edition of SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY.

I haven't discussed the growing nightmare of the foreclosure fraud mondo clusterfuck yet, because it's very large and very ugly and the little I understand about it makes me angry, but not so much ranting funny angry as shake-the-head, of course they're all complete fuckers angry. But I'll tell you this. Anyone who opposes investigating this, fixing this, and punishing those responsible on the grounds that some people who can't pay their mortgages might get to stay in their houses? Those people are assholes. And probably assholes with stock in Citibank.

When you hit the point where you have hundreds of thousands of mortgages, and nobody knows who the fuck actually owns them? That's when you may want to seriously consider the cleansing power of fire.


In the race to exploit the Chilean miners for political gain, Mr. Potato Head and the Wall Street Journal were neck and neck. Matthews was out of the gate first, claiming that if the Chilean miners had been a bunch of teabaggers, they'd have killed each other in a frenzy of selfishness rather than work together. At the WSJ, on the other hand, Daniel Henniger lauded the free market that led to the invention of the drill bit that drilled down to the miners.

Both men are, of course, complete fucking morons. Spudly forgets that teabaggers are almost as hypocritical as they are stupid. And since they all would have been pasty, doughy white patriots, they'd have banded together to accept all they help they could get from the Chilean government and NASA. Who, by the way, were the ones keeping the miners alive and sane for the months it took for John Smith's magical drill bit to get down to them. See? There are fucktards on the left AND the right, as long as you carefully define the "left" to include Chris Matthews.


Speaking of carefully defining the left in order to pretend there's a sane center between two equal extremes, how's that Rally To Restore Sanity going over with that 40% of alleged sanity to the right of center? Jonah Goldberg suggested that right-minded conservatives thwart Stewart's liberal master-plan by loading up Ariana Huffington's free buses to DC. He did this four days after they stopped taking names for the buses, which makes this the biggest strategic blunder by a right-wing blogger since anything the Red State Strike Force ever did.

Big Hollywood, by the way, has spent the last couple of weeks turning Obama's mention of the RTRS into some kind of Communist coup, using words like "state-sanctioned", "astro-turfed", and "party politics" without understanding what they mean, and decrying the interference of corporations in politics. Well, one corporation. Viacom. Well, one subsidiary of Viacom. MTV. I guess that footage of Code Pink a few weeks ago didn't win anyone over.


My favorite headline of the past week: "Tim Hasselbeck Says Quarterbacks Can't Stand Breast Cancer Awareness Balls". Seriously, if you haven't misinterpreted all those words at least five different ways by the time you're done reading this paragraph, I've been a very poor teacher.


Your Too-Late-To-Go-In-Yesterday's-Column Update: It's difficult to tell because Politico's reporting and writing reads much better in the original crayon, but it seems as if Rich Iott's spokesman tried to defend his boss's wearing of an SS uniform by claiming that the SS were a lot nicer than regular Nazis. I can't wait to see his excuses for his Crimson Guard Halloween costume.


And just to keep Tennessee at the forefront of stupidity, I will mention in passing a recent incident in which a middle-aged Memphis man yelled at two teens over their saggy pants, then, when they refused to comply with his request to pull up said pants, shot one of them in the ass. Thank you, Kenneth E. Bonds of Memphis, Tennessee, for making such a strong argument against generational sartorial angst, concealed-carry laws, and Tennessee.