The Boundaries Of Belief

« October 2010 »

Memo to delayed Islamophobes, E!, and jean nerds: YOU ARE DUMB.

After six years of this, I know all too well that there is nothing stupid enough that our society will reject it outright. But even after six years, there ARE things so stupid that I still have a tough time believing we haven't rejected outright. And that is the vague, filthy thread running through this week's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

OK, Islamophobes. Why did you wait until the afternoon after I post about how crazy you are to let on that you're even crazier? Because yesterday, I learned that the latest front for the Islamic takeover of America is... Canadian soup.

Canadian Campbell's halal soup, in fact. Fifteen different varieties of vegetarian soup, sold in the land of socialized medicine, that have been certified as compliant with Islamic dietary restrictions. A sane person would assume that this is a corporation meeting the needs of its customers, the same way grocery stores sell kosher foods and McDonalds advertises the Filet O' Fish during Lent.

But if we were dealing with sane people, I'd have forty five minutes of extra free time a night. You see, the people doing the certification, the Islamic Society of North America, which the usual suspects claim is "linked" to terrorist organizations like Hamas. The alleged link can, of course, be found in the word "Islamic". The real objection to these soups is, of course, to keep the brown people in their place and out of the same grocery stores as real Americans. Americans who lack the self-awareness to realize they're boycotting soup.

E! sucks. All the karmic good earned by The Soup is squandered after five minutes of screen time for a single Kardashian. Apparently, someone at E! realized this, and decided that their only hope in the afterlife was to make themselves shine in the eyes of whatever evil deity they are condemned to eternal torment by, and thus, we have the imminent premiere of Bridalplasty.

In "Bridalplasty", insecure brides compete in a series of challenges. In order to win prizes. The prizes being free plastic surgery procedures.

I know.

Now, I've done some poking around, and while there has been extensive coverage of E!'s initial announcement, there's been little enough since then (and nothing on E!'s site) to make me question whether this is really a thing or not. But then I found this quote from Shanna Moakler, who is, by all accounts, a real person and is apparently the host of the show or something. Details were unclear, but Bridalplasty was described as "her new show". Anyway, ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Well Bridalplasty, it's just full on reality explosive television, but it's still fun and I think that there has been crazier stuff on television. Women will love it. It's cool though because there are some girls that lost their breasts to breast cancer and getting breast implants is life changing for them. So there are some good stories there, as well as some exploitive."

Um, the cancer thing? That makes it worse. Because you're taking a couple of cancer patients, and making them fight it out with some vapid, beauty-obsessed reality nutjobs for the "life-changing" breast implants they need so badly. How much would that suck? Especially if they only win the nose job. Maybe we should have a show where E! producers compete in a series of wacky challenges to avoid mandatory sterilization. Call it the Re-Producers. I'd buy THAT for a dollar.

And finally, proving that there is no subject so mundane that some small subset of society cannot find the free time to fetishize it, we have the Raw Jean movement. Here's how it works.

You buy a pair of raw jeans. Unwashed, unsoftened jeans made of raw denim. You then wear the jeans. Over and over again. Without washing them. Six months is the gold standard minimum if you want any shred of nerd cred in the raw denim community. You air them out, or maybe freeze them, but you do not wash them. And when you're done, what do you have?

"I think the appeal is mostly that you can have a pair of jeans which are completely unique to you, a wash that you created yourself with your everyday life. I always think of raw denim like a blank canvas and they are your project, just wearing them every day and you are creating a work of art." - Lorna Burford,

OK, here's the thing. You're creating a piece of art that nobody will be able to identify as such, mainly because it's not really art, but also because nobody except a denim nerd can tell the difference between the wear patterns on jeans. Which means every single one of these fuckers is going around, starting conversations that begin with "Do you like my jeans?" and ending with their audience eating a bullet.

And that's after the minimum six months. For the first six months, the conversation begins slightly earlier, with a quick stop at "That smell? Oh, that's my jeans" before reaching Bullet City. This is Schrodinger's Hobby. It's not a hobby unless it's observed, which means the only way to justify the massive time, effort, and funk put into it is to ensure that those of us who don't give a shit notice it. Bad nerds. No biscuit.