Beach Blanket Sharia

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Memo to the right: KEEP STIRRING THE SHARIA.

I've said this before, but this is still true. The single funniest malady affecting America in the year of their lord 2010 is the irrational, delusional belief that we have to worry about Muslims imposing sharia law in the United States.

And this is even after you ignore the fact that "sharia" covers a lot of ground, and a lot of implementations in a lot of different countries. There are a few places in this world - shitty, backwards-ass theocratic hellholes - where "sharia" is nearly as bad as America's Islamophobes say it is - bad enough that it'd give nearly all of its opponents raging Jesus-boners if it were implemented in the name of Christ.

But it's not going to happen. We've been a relatively modern, relatively free society for way too long for a minority religion to gradually impose its superstitious strictures on us. I mean, despite decades of the best, most open efforts of the DOMINANT religion, all we've managed is excessive amounts of abstinence-only sex-ed, sneaky restrictions on abortion, and the occasional Puritan freakout over a pair of celebrititties. Sharia doesn't stand a chance.

It didn't stand a chance in Oklahoma, but Oklahomans are, by and large, fucking stupid, so they spent valuable beer-drinking and shit-kicking time passing a law making sure that no Oklahoma court would ever consider sharia law when making a decision. And in typical Oklahoma legislator style, Rex Duncan explained why they had to act. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Our courts ought to follow American federal and state law, and there is no logical reason why a court would look to the law of France or Saudi Arabia."

Exactly. There is no logical reason why this would happen, and that's why it's vital to pass a law prohibiting it. Also, France? I mean, yeah, if I try real hard, I can follow the elaborate string of wingnut free-association required to call sharia "the law of France", but it requires me to make my brain act as crazy as Duncan's mouth sounds. And that's not healthy.

But is Sharia law taking hold anywhere in the United States? I turn to Nobel laureate and Rhodes scholar Sharron Angle, who has taken valuable time away from her groundbreaking work in comparative religious history to run a Teabagger campaign against Harry Reid in Nevada. And here's what she said.

"Dearborn, Michigan, and Frankford, Texas are on American soil, and under Constitutional law. Not Sharia law. And I don't know how that happened in the United States. It seems to me there is something fundamentally wrong with allowing a foreign system of law to even take hold in any municipality or government situation in our United States."

Got it. Dearborn, MI and Frankford, TX are the frontiers of American sharia. So, what happened in Dearborn? Well, here's what I've been able to piece together from the reports circulating around the right half of the Internet. Dearborn has a large Muslim population, and had a Muslim festival. Some honest, God-fearing Christians tried to go to the festival and hand out literature to convert the heathens. The police escorted them off the premises, confiscated their cameras, and detained and/or arrested them, even though the Christians did NOTHING wrong. And since sharia law prohibits the proselytization of Muslims, the local police must have been applying sharia law, not American law, because there couldn't possibly have been an American law these people were violating.

And Frankford, Texas? Well, here's the thing. If you Google up Frankford Sharia, all you get is references to Angle's quote. If you eliminate Angle's quote, you get nothing except a few stray references to Angle's quote that don't use her name or the exact wording. And while you're doing all this, you actually find some locals saying that there IS NO FRANKFORD, TEXAS. It's either a ghost town or a suburb of Dallas. The point being, I can't find a single wingnut passing along a forwarded e-mail that says the scary Muslims have taken over a town in Texas.

So of the two most prominent cases actually cited by people who usually just spout vague warnings of shadowy threats, one is a blatant overstatement and the other is completely nonexistent. Pardon me while I go out and buy a new pair of boots so that I can totally not quake in them.