You Could Tell Me, But I'd Have To Mock You

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Memo to Allen West and Christine O'Donnell: LOOSE BRAINS SINK TRAINS.

Supplemental memo to Louie Gohmert: YOU'RE JUST A DUMBASS.

So, let's say you're running for Congress. And you're a fucking moron with a brain the size of a Tic-Tac. And you know that people know you're kind of dumb, but you want to seem smart. What do you do? You pretend you have access to intelligence! Of course, once you're IN Congress, you can drop the charade and just be another IDIOT who SAYS THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I still retain a secret security clearance. And I tell you, if you look at the application for a security clearance, I have a clearance that even the president of the United States cannot obtain because of my background." - Allen West, he of the famed I Hate Coexistence rant.

Well, well. Step aside, James Fuckin' Bond. Allen West, former Army lieutenant colonel, fancies himself an international douche of mystery! Why, he's privy to all sorts of secret government secrets, like how to get away with pretending to shoot an Iraqi policeman in the head.

West went on to prove that he doesn't know shit about the subjunctive tense, explaining when called on his braggadouchio that what he meant was that, were Obama not the President, his cocaine use and radical preacher would prevent him from achieving the same level of super-secret knowledge West currently pretends to hold. Forget all the other stuff. Still giving a shit about Jeremiah Wright in late 2010 ought to be enough to disqualify West from holding public office.

"[China has a] carefully thought out and strategic plan to take over America... There's much I want to say. I wish I wasn't privy to some of the classified information that I am privy to." - Christine O'Donnell, America's crazy ex-girlfriend, swinging by to give it up one more time.

This was in 2006, in one of her previous failed runs for Senate. During a debate, of all things. How exactly a failed Senate candidate and fringe Christian Right nutjob who's spent the last decade rediscovering chastity might have become privy to these things has not, to date, been specified.

More importantly, though, this is another data point indicating just how much of an intellectual featherweight O'Donnell is. In the middle of a debate, she tries the lame "I have secret information about a dastardly plot, but I cannot tell you any more and have said too much already" gambit? She clearly was not a member of her high school debate team, because they'd have hung her by her underwear from a coathook if she'd pulled that shit. Do not cross a debate team nerd. They will cut you.

"We have people on welfare and I know there's some that just don't wanna work, but there's some that do. How 'bout if instead of the welfare, we give 'em an alternative. We'll give you so many acres that can provide land where you can live off of it, make a living and we'll give you seed money to start, but you have to sign an agreement that you'll never accept welfare again. How 'bout that? We got plenty of land." Longtime YAD contributor Louie Gohmert, once again letting words come out of his mouth.

Now, on the surface, this proposal is completely fucking absurd. The idea that one person could actually live off and make a living farming a small parcel of land if the government just gives some of the primo farmland it's apparently been saving for a rainy day seems ludicrous. But with a bit of tweaking, it just might work.

I mean, clearly, you'll need to specify a certain minimum amount of land that would allow this to succeed. And you can't just give them land and plop them down on it, that's not fair. They need some kind of equipment, or at least an animal that can carry the burden of some of the workload. So, and this is just a ballpark figure here, but I think what would make Louie Gohmert happy is if we gave "everyone on welfare" 40 acres and a mule.