An Embarrassment Of Bitches

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Memo to Jim DeMint and his enablers: YOU ARE DUMB.

It seems like just a few weeks ago I was so nearly devoid of interesting assholery that I resorted to making fun of Chris Matthews for two days. Well, apparently, either perfidy is a seasonal crop peaking in the fall, or the world heard my plea and everyone to the right of Rahm Emanuel started doing mercury shots and walking into walls.

The point is, I actually have a glut of material, so expect a parade of non-stop assholery between now and the November election. And we'll start with the potentially unprecedented obstructionism of professional douchebag, Senator Jim DeMint.

Now, given the level of filibuster abuse, secret hold abuse, and the general overuse of the kind of tactics I was begging, BEGGING the Democrats to employ during the Bush years, calling any obstructionism unprecedented is shaky ground. But I'm confident with that adjective. The modifier "potentially" is there for another reason which we'll get to in a bit.

Anyway, here's the deal. The Senate does a lot of stuff by "unanimous consent", which is basically a collective way of saying "we could fuck around with all the archaic rules we've cemented ourselves in here with for the past two and a half centuries, or we could all agree to skip the bullshit and move along." It's great as long as everyone agrees to skip the bullshit, but if even one person objects to unanimous consent, they can gum up the entire works. You see, I presume, where this is going.

The "anonymous hold", where someone objects to The U.C. but doesn't say who they are or why, has already been used like crazy during the Obama years to keep things from happening. But now Jim DeMint has taken things one step further, and told everyone that he will automatically be objecting to any unanimous consent measures on any legislation he doesn't personally approve. This is the Senatorial dick move to end all dick moves.

But in some cases, you almost have to respect it. I mean, the Senate can't jerk itself off without a dozen different motions to procure lubricant and a mandatory minimum 30 hours of watching scat porn. The Senate is to procedures what Tetsuo was to reasonable human growth. It's nearly infinitely susceptible to someone sticking his dick in the spokes and bringing the whole thing to a grinding halt, and the only thing preventing it is the collective willingness not to be that asshole.

Well, as you may have noticed, the social strictures that keep certain people from being that asshole have assumed the consistency of damp public-school toilet paper in the last few years. Sarah Palin got to run for vice-president, for fuck's sake. They blocked money for the troops just to stick it to the gays, and nobody called them on it. In the place with more rules per square inch than the Singapore Bridge Club, anarchy reigns.

Now here's the best part. Here's why I used the word "potentially" above. Ready? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It is my understanding Jim DeMint has had a standing hold on everything throughout this two-year process. When I have had amendments on a couple of occasions, I have been told: 'Absolutely, we in the Republican leadership are fine but you are going to have to clear it with Jim DeMint because he has a standing hold on everything.' So I'm not sure this is a real change from what he has been doing." - Oregon Democratic senator Jeff Merkley.

So if Merkley is right, DeMint's been pulling this shit ever since they stopped having Dubya in place to veto shit. Now, clearly, there must be some limits on what DeMint's doing - the shitty health care bill passed, for example - but even so, why are we only hearing about this now? Were the shoes on the other feet, Republicans would have made hay out of it for a month on some minor issue just so that, two years later, no Democrat would dare try it again.

But crazy-ass Jim DeMint? Sure, just let him go. It's not like he'd dare to try some kind of ridiculous power grab right before the midterm elections, right? That's crazy talk. So remember what's at stake this November, progressives! Buck up! Get to the polls! And make sure the tactically-inept cowards continue to have a majority over the criminally-destructive sociopaths! Yes we can!