This Week In Pathetic

« October 2010 »

Memo to the audience: IT'S COUNTDOWN TIME!

This has been a truly momentous week for all things sad and pathetic. So much so, that the only proper way I can do it justice is to line them up, rank them according to quality, and count them down Casey Kasem style. Think I can find five? I think I can. SPASTIC TOPIC COUNTDOWN FRIDAY!

#5: The collective, desperate attempt by the establishment to portray Stephen Colbert's testimony before Congress as a bad thing. From the committee members sitting stoically while Colbert did his thing, to America's Stupidest Congressman trying to match wits with Colbert and getting his corn packed, to Steny Hoyer claiming that the whole thing was an embarrassment to Colbert.

Colbert drove right into the center of the vast gap between what the Senate thinks it is and what it actually is. He set up a lawn chair, poured himself a tall drink, and had a little picnic in Cognitive Dissonance Valley. And nobody liked it. Not the politicians, not the journalists who lunch with the politicians, and not the journalists who wish they could lunch with politicians, *cough* Politico *cough*. Thou shalt not tell the lords of the universe that they kind of suck!

#4: Minnesota's Catholic bishops, who are currently mailing out 18-minute DVDs to Minnesota Catholics arguing for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. First, how come I don't get one? Prejudiced against the non-Catholics! Second, gay marriage constitutional amendments? How very 2006. They're apparently trying to boost turnout for TOMMEH for governor, so, you know. Good luck with that.

And third, how come I don't get a copy? Twelve of the 18 minutes were the Knights of Columbus talking about how gay marriage will hurt children. I could have a fucking field day with those twelve minutes.

#3: The owner of the British division of Segway drove his Segway off a cliff. It's kind of a shame that he probably wasn't a horrible person, because as it stands, I kind of feel bad about how completely fucking hilarious that is. I envision the gyroscopes keeping the thing upright all the way down. And then I remember that week of hype before Dean Kamen announced the Segway, and think of how far personal transportation has come since that fateful day. And I laugh some more.

#2: The resignation of Ken Kratz, Republican prosecutor, district attorney of Calumet County, WI, and the second biggest asshole DA in all of the Midwest. You know what you get for being the first? Your own column, probably some time next week.

Anyway, Kratz resigned because nobody would fuck his sorry, middle-aged ass, and he resorted to what any perfectly reasonable, not-creepy, respectable DA would do. He hit on his clients via text. Including a victim of domestic abuse. It's so sad it makes me wish The Venture Brothers hadn't cornered the market on sadness analogies last week. But you know what had to have been worse than the text message? Reading the text message, looking up, and seeing Kratz wiggle his caterpillar eyebrows knowingly. Why, to be sadder than that, you'd have to be twisted and perverted in an even more pathetic way.

#1: James O'Keefe, of course! Not since Joe the Plumber has a man who got lucky once and convinced himself it was genius suffered a more ignoble slide into oblivion. There was the ACORN thing, which shouldn't have worked, but did. Then there was the phone-tapping thing, which didn't work at all, but since he's white and connected, only earned him a slap on the wrist.

But now, he's been busted by CNN before he could even try to pull off a hamfisted* plan to lure a CNN reporter on a boat tricked out with candles, porn, and sex toys, come on to her, then reveal that she has somehow been fooled, proving the inadequacy of the mainstream media. No, I don't know how that would actually follow. Nobody does. James O'Keefe could probably explain it, but he's much too busy denying he had anything to do with the writeup of the plan that CNN got a copy of. A writeup which, of course, he had everything to do with.

In an ideal world, O'Keefe's latest and most epic of fails would cause the immediate resignation, and possible hara-kiri, of every poor slob in the news and in Congress who enabled this little brat to cost ACORN at least a year's worth of funding. But we don't live in an ideal world, and all those assholes are busy being upset at what Stephen Colbert has done to the dignity of their respective institutions. Full circle!

*By which I mean "concocted while his ham was clenched in his fist."