Potatoes? For Dessert?

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Memo to Chris Matthews: YOU ARE STILL DUMB.

Before we resume our discussion of Mr. Potato Head, just a quick note to the valiant souls out there considering sending me nasty e-mail because you don't like what I wrote. By all means, go ahead. I encourage it. But I beg of you, provide some context. I've been doing this column for a long time, and if all you send is an e-mail calling me, let's say, a "goddamed piece of lying maggot shit bastard", don't just leave it at that. If you do, I don't know if you mean the entire run of the column, or one specific thing that set you off. Take a page from my book. Call names, but provide context. It's the least I do for you, so it's the least you could do for me.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, Chris Matthews. When last we left our intrepid MSNBC host, he'd claimed that the Health Care Reform bill was built entirely "on the left". Would this be the dumbest thing he said for the entire hour? Not by a long shot. There's a serious fucking doozy coming up. So let's get right to it, shall we?

"I like the comment he made as a preparation for that, a prelude, he said, you know, as much as I'm proud to be an Democrat, I'm an American first, and re-establishing that connection to the middle."

Yes, because the middle is where Americans live. Democrats and Republicans aren't proper Americans - the only true America is right in the center, wherever the center happens to be at any given moment. This is the meat and... some kind of vegetable... of what passes for a political philosophy among Matthews and his ilk. Policies don't matter, just some vague bipartisan fantasyland where things happen in the absence of ideology. Unless it's conservative ideology that's just on the near side of wherever the craziest wingnuts are living.

"You know, this word, "narrative", it's overused I think, but it's a great word for today, it's really right."

The reason it's overused, gravy-for-brains, is because every fucking time you use it, you think this time it's really right. And the reason you always think it's really right is that you find narrative infinitely more interesting than facts, and that's why you're part of the problem.

"Spending three minutes interviewing Dove World Outreach asshole Wayne Sapp and asking him infinitely more questions about his gun and the safety of missionaries than actually challenging the nature of the Koran-burning protest."

The closest Matthews came to a proper point was asking how moderate, peaceful Muslims would react to the Koran-burning. Which is fine, but if you want to really put one of these motherfuckers on the spot and watch him squirm, ask him to explain how the Koran can be a symbol of only radical Islam. Because the whole point of these fuckwits, and the national sentiment that's pushed them into this position of prominence, is the oft-repeated wingnut talking point that Islam is inherently violent, and all Muslims are therefore inherently dangerous. They believe this. Make them say it. Then maybe you'll be one-tenth the journalist you think you are.

"You can't do much against the guy or woman who's already a terrorist, all ready to strap the bombs on... You can't apprehend them in the act, it's all done sneakily."

Here you see where Matthews can take what is actually a respectable point - that national security is better served by not pointlessly radicalizing more Muslims than it is by the Great War On Terror, and just fucks it to death with his tiny brainpenis. We're powerless against terrorism, because TERRORISTS ARE SNEAKY. I could build Devil's Tower out of those spuds.

"As detailed and honest a biography as anyone has ever read of anyone, much less a future President of the United States. As a matter of fact, if you read the book, it had in fact a real Mark Twain quality."

You know, I mostly like Obama, and I couldn't crawl that far up his ass with crampons and a belay line. But Matthews just dives right in with ridiculous hyperbole. Also, if Matthews' knowledge of Mark Twain goes beyond Huck Finn and A Connecticut Rabbit In King Arthur's Court, I will prepare three to four pounds of farm-grown potatoes over the course of the next week.*

"What about a man who is I think in many ways a progressive, and he's certainly a good government person, and that would be Michael Bloomberg, if you could get him to be the COO of the government. I don't think this administration has ideological problems, I think it's where it ought to be ideologically, somewhere center-left, but I think it really needs to do a better job of running the country, a real chain of command, get the job done.

I find it hilarious that what prompted me to write this column was hearing Matthews suggest a ridiculous staffing decision to Obama, and what does he do while I'm watching? Make another, even MORE ridiculous staffing decision. Michael Bloomberg as chief of staff.

Michael Bloomberg is not a progressive. He may be a good government guy for all I know, but that's not the same thing. And Michael Bloomberg should not be a member of the Obama administration. I don't care that he's right about the mosque. He's a New York Republican, which means he's borderline sane, but that's about as far as it goes.

Why is it that Chris Matthews and most of his fellow travelers have this fucking fetish, where the only accomplishment that means anything is becoming a rich white multi-millionaire businessman? Is it because their lives are controlled by RWMMBs and they see them as patrons, as god-figures? Is it just because they all grew up on American Dream pablum from the 50s and 60s, and can't shake the idea that someone like Bloomberg must have been really smart and really talented and really hard-working to get where he is? Or is Chris Matthews just a starch-spewing asshole? The world may never know.

But I'll tell you this - the idea that the reason things aren't getting done is because some take-charge businessman with a faux-military "chain of command" hasn't gone in there and told everyone what to do like a strong, forceful, 1950s alcoholic father? That's completely fucking nuts. First, all kinds of things are getting done. Or at least happening. We started two wars, we imploded the economy, we let BP run rampant and fill the Gulf with crude and Corexit, and, on a positive side, kids can stay on their parents' insurance after college. All these things got done.

It's not inaction that's ruining things. It's stupid action taken by stupid people, which is then cheered on by stupid pundits like Mr. Potato Head who don't know any better BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL STUPID. And Michael Bloomberg can't make them less stupid no matter how far he rolls his sleeves up and thinks of himself as the "COO".

*Only a couple hundred of you know why that's funny. The rest of you should click more links.