Very Revealing Tits

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Memo to Alan Simpson: THANK YOU FOR THE CONFIRMATION.

I have somewhat deliberately been holding off on the whole sorry Alan Simpson debacle, in the hopes that it would reach some kind of closure that would reveal important truths about the world we live in, or at least provide me with additional justification for saying "tits" over and over again. Well, a couple of weeks later, it's looking more like the former than the latter, which is a titsy shame.

If you don't know, Alan Simpson is the Republican co-chair of Obama's bipartisan deficit reduction commission. And a few weeks back, he sent an e-mail to the director of the Older Women's League because of, I shit you not, a critical blog post she wrote for the Huffington Post back in April. The e-mail was rude from start to finish, but what got all the attention was this classy closer. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"And yes, I've made some plenty smart cracks about people on Social Security who milk it to the last degree. You know 'em too. It's the same with any system in America. We've reached a point now where it's like a milk cow with 310 million tits! Call when you get honest work!"

Alan Simpson is still the co-chair of the deficit reduction commission, because he apologized. And by apologized, I mean blatantly lied. "I can see that my remarks have caused you anguish, and that was not my intention. I certainly did not intend to diminish your hard work for the Older Women’s League. I know you care deeply about strengthening Social Security, and so do I, just as deeply."

That's three lies in one. You don't insult someone the way he did by accident - you do it because you intend to cause them anxious. You don't call someone's work dishonest by accident, you do it because you intend to diminish someone's hard work. And you don't care deeply about strengthening any system you think is a milk cow with 310 million tits.

So, what has this little clusterfuck taught us? Quite a few things, in fact. First, and foremost, it's that a bipartisan deficit reduction commission is a stupid fucking idea. It always was, and it always will be. And the reason it's stupid is that the things that really cause the deficits are big policy things. Who gets taxed, when, and how much? How much does the government spend on health care? How much on defense? And how much on Social Security? Everything else is pissing around in the margins.

Now, on the big policy questions of the day, there is, or at least fucking well should be, vast amounts of daylight between the two parties. One party sees Social Security as one of the most successful social programs in America's history, and the other side sees it as one of the most successful social programs in America's history that the stupid Democrats always get credit for. Which is why they demonize it and fetishize it and draw a bunch of titties on it in their notebooks.

That ideological daylight is a good thing. It's a thing worth fighting for, because it means you think your idea is better than the other guy's. You don't split the job with Crazy Titty Man, because Crazy Titty Man is crazy.

We've also learned that the Obama administration is perfectly willing to stonewall and defend someone in trouble for saying stupid shit until the problem goes away, if they want to. Because that's what they've done with Simpson, who kept his job not only after babbling about titties, but also after suggesting that veterans with Agent Orange claims were selfishly keeping us from balancing the budget.

This is a good thing. I mean, not in this case, but in general, it's a good thing. I mean, it must burn like hell for Van Jones and Shirley Sherrod and countless others that Team Obama learned how to do this just in time to save the job of an old, white, titty-obsessed Republican, but, you know. Baby steps.

And finally, we've learned that apparently, co-chairing the deficit reduction commission doesn't take up a whole hell of a lot of time, because Simpson has plenty of time in the day to fire off flame e-mails to people who disagreed with him four fucking months ago.

This is especially galling to those of us in white-collar public sector jobs, because we all know that if we took that tone with some member of the public in the course of our jobs, no mealy-mouthed, half-assed apology would save us from some serious fucking career consequences. We go through every single day biting our tongues while thousands of idiots kill us with one stupid, ill-informed, and usually e-mailed paper cut after another. But Simpson gets to fire off five paragraphs of vitriol and gets off with a slap on the wrist? Fuck that noise.

These are all things we knew, or at least suspected. But it's kind of Simpson to give us such a cut-and-dry case with which to confirm our worst suspicions. Plus, he did it while saying "tits".