Slightly Slacking

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Memo to a bunch of stuff: YOU ARE DUMB.

I'll be honest, I am a man crazed with a sick, twisted lust. A lust for the fourth-generation iPod Touch. What can I say? I've loved the magical pocket computer since it first came out, and even though Apple pussed out and used what looks to be all those low-res camera modules they stopped putting in the Nanos, the combination of new features and the horrible abuse my current Touch's battery has suffered, it is damn near irresistible.

But you don't care about that, since I promise that even after I buy the purple sneakers and cut off my balls I'll still be mocking the weakminded followers of America's various cults. I mention it only because I'm distracted, and when I am overly distracted, it becomes time for the super-special LIGHTNING ROUND version of SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

So those miners who are going to be trapped underground in Chile for months while they dig them out? Apparently they've all been given PlayStation Portables, because they haven't suffered enough. They should get their new preteen spokesman, Marcus, to do a commercial. "PSP! It's better than jerking off with a hand full of coal dust for four months!" Still, it could have been worse. They could have gotten PSP Go's.


A new poll shows that 52% of Republicans believe that Obama sympathizes with the radical Islamic desire to impose sharia law on the world.

When asked to name the tenets of radical Islamic sharia law, 52% of Republicans stared blankly, picked their underwear out of their butts, then answered "socialized medicine, internment camps for Tea Party members, and beheading Sarah Palin". Morons. That's not sharia law. That's my 2016 presidential platform.


I still don't care about Glenn Beck's Restoring Honor rally at all, because I think what 30,000 crazy white people want to do with each other in the privacy of their own memorial is none of my business. But I was amused to hear about a teabagger who got into an argument with an employee at the GW Deli and threw his sandwich in the employee's face.

I mean, how mad do you have to get a teabagger to get them to throw food? I thought they didn't believe in giving minimum-wage employees handouts. Just another case of the Tea Party overestimating the threat posed by common everyday objects. When the guy said "Deli", the teabagger thought he said "Delhi", and assumed he was one of those crazy Hindu Muslims. The employee was treated for first-degree mayonnaise burns and released. I guess the Tea Party really does reject all that Washington D.C. pork. Good thing the District of Columbia hasn't enacted any haute crime laws.


Netflix has added The Love Guru to Instant Streaming, kicking off their exciting new feature, Netflix Dares.


In my old stomping grounds of Hartford, CT*, a dude who looks a bit like what I'd look like if I let myself go (yes, even farther) and went a bit mullety got arrested for doing something I would do if I let myself go (yes, even farther) and went a bit mullety. He took 13 seconds of video of his neighbor's 8-year-old kid swearing and posted it on YouTube.

The charge? Impairing the morals of a child. The parents claim he paid the kid and taught him to swear, Josh Eastman denies this. He's gonna have a tough defense, though. Where, after all, would an eight-year-old kid, in Hartford, Connecticut, in 2010, have a chance to learn any swear words? But seriously, even if that were the case, on what planet is learning to swear having your morals impaired? At worst, the kid had his manners impaired. He learned the words, not what the words meant. That's what CCD is for.

Of course, having made that joke, I realize that some of you think CCD is what goes in digital cameras, and that I've just made a tasteless child pornography joke. Nothing could be further from the truth. I don't know if they still do this, but when I was growing up, CCD was when all the Catholic kids got to leave school early one day a week to learn Catholic stuff. So it was a tasteless child molestation joke. I have standards, after all.

*Full disclosure: It was West Hartford, and I did almost no actual stomping whatsoever.