Filling The Enthusiasm Maw

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Memo to Dan Maes, Sharron Angle, and Steve King: PEOPLE REALLY SHOULD VOTE AGAINST YOU.

Even if you get all your news from this column, which is really a bad idea, you'll have heard a lot about the "enthusiasm gap". After a couple of years out of power and riled up by psycho teabaggers, Republicans are ready to go out and vote in droves. And after a couple of years in power, Democrats are remembering just how useless it is to have Democrats in power, and will have to be... encouraged to get out to the polls, to say the least.

Well, never let it be said that I don't do my part. The November elections are full of people that even shitty Democrats like Ben Nelson, the worst Democrat in the universe now that Joe Lieberman's his own party, would be better than. And I'm featuring three of them in this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"We’re trying to differentiate myself from the mayor. If I win the primary and when I win the primary tomorrow, people are going to say what the difference is. We’re both business people. When a mayor signs onto a program sponsored by the United Nations, that should bring concern to people as to how the program may or may not be compatible with our state constitution." - Colorado governor candidate Dan Maes.

Maes offered this up as an explanation of why he claimed, in essence, that the Democratic candidate for governor, Denver mayor John Hickenlooper, essentially ceded the sovereignty of his city to that well-known force for leftist, one-world evil, the United Nations. And did so in the guise of a... popular bike-sharing program.

When Tom Tancredo's third-party run ensures that Dan Maes loses in November, it will be the first time in his entire life that Tom Tancredo has benefited society. Not because Dan Maes is chock full of old-school anti-UN Kool-Aid, but because the only thing lamer than his United Nations conspiracy theory is his reflexive and completely uninformed fall-back to the "constitutionality" excuse. Frankly, I demand a higher quality of crazy in my crazy candidates, but it seems like the good stuff is spread pretty thin these days.

"Yes. I think you're right, Bill." - Nevada Senate candidate and constant source of comedy Sharron Angle.

Bear with me here. I know this is one of those shitty quotes that requires context, but you should see how thin my research pile is these days. After two months of oil spill followed by two months of mosque-hate, what remains is a thin gruel indeed. Anyway, Angle was agreeing with a guy named Bill, which is frequently a bad idea.

The year was 2009, the Bill in question was radio host Bill Manders, and what Angle thought was right was his assertion that "We have domestic enemies. We have home-born homegrown enemies in our system. And I for one think we have some of those enemies in the walls of the Senate and the Congress." Which means that in addition to Angle's many other flaws, foibles, and gangrenous brain cells, she's also a proponent of the idea that her opponents are literally trying to destroy America. Luckily, Harry Reid has finally found an ass he can kick.

"He’s at least a Marxist. And he surely understands the Muslim culture. He doesn’t have an American experience. He does not have an American experience." - America's Stupidest Congressman, Steve King, who somehow manages to remain in Congress despite being up for re-election every two years.

This is the usual anti-Obama bullshit from King. I mainly wanted to pad out the column, and having accomplished that, I also wanted to point out the awesome way King unpacks the contraction and restates the "American Experience" line, apparently in case any of his audience members are science fiction robots who cannot parse anything with an apostrophe in it.

Also, "at least" a Marxist? Even by modern standards of rhetoric, is there really a lot of ground you can cover beyond Marxist when you're criticizing a liberal? I suppose there's Nazi, which is the next step beyond Marxist on the right-wing's "Everything Bad Goes On The Left" political spectrum. You know, the same one they use to claim Martin Luther King was a conservative. Steve King probably won't lose in November, which is bad for America, but good for my research pile.