Fried Quayle

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Memo to Ben Quayle: YOU ARE SORT OF A VICTIM, REALLY.

Just not the kind of victim I have any, you know. Sympathy for. At all.

Here's the basics of what you need to know about Ben Quayle. The name's not a coincidence - he's the son of the prototype for Sarah Palin, the beta test of Vapid Attractive Republican, Dan Quayle. Ben is running for the House of Representatives in Arizona, a state he is unlikely to accidentally spell with an extra "e" on the end. Ben just released an ad calling Obama the "worst president in history", so clearly he's not above being a hyperbolic dickwad.

And speaking of dickwaddishness, Ben Quayle is in a bit of trouble because four years ago, he spent a lot of time on the website DirtyScottsdale.com, writing under the name Brock Landers (you know, from Boogie Nights), and including a section called "Brock's Chicks", an attempt to find the hottest woman in Scottsdale, Arizona. So, you know. He can't be THAT ambitious.

For a while he denied it, then when it became obvious to everyone that denying it was a lie, he went with the "stop smearing me with my youthful indiscretions" tactic. But he's still gonna portray himself as the clean, sexless, family values candidate the right loves so much.

I don't begrudge Ben his puerile, frat-boy, Girls Gone Wild bullshit. I really don't. The problem is that he's running as a Republican, and he's young. And is therefore pretty much incompatible with the Republican family values party line, which is mired in a fake, Puritan version of the 1950s that only old assholes can even aspire to.

Culture wars are fought by the old against the young. With the exception of isolated, brainwashed Jesus Camp kids and Mormons, no young people give a damn about gay marriage, or premarital sex, or vulgarity on the teevee. Bluenose groups are trying to raise an uproar over "Shit My Dad Says", the CBS sitcom that is actually called "$#"! My Dad Says" or "Bleep My Dad Says". You think anyone under sixty is signing that petition? Even middle-aged people throw around "shit" like monkeys throw around shit.

There was an analyst's study this week that said that the average age of Fox News viewers is 65. I don't know how reliable this analyst is, but his results support both my preconceived notions and my thesis, so I'm going to assume he's correct. Only old people care about this crap, and they keep getting older and dying off.

And it's tougher and tougher to keep up the facade. Finding young Republican candidates who haven't done the things young people do is tough, and not everyone can be Newt Gingrich, delivering moral lectures by day and getting caught fucking around on his second wife at night. So, yeah, in a way, Ben Quayle is a victim. He lived a perfectly normal, modern life, fucking around and being a douchebag on the Internet, and now it's a problem because he's got to get a bunch of elderly prudes to vote for him.

It's a tough situation, and he'll just have to bluff his way through and hope that the right-wing blind spots to hypocrisy and cognitive dissonance hold firm. And we get to sit back and watch and laugh all the way up until November, when he wins the election.

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