TOMMEH!

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Memo to Tom "TOMMEH!" Emmer: YOU ARE HOSED.

It's Democratic Primary day here in Minnesota, and I'm having a tough time deciding to get up the gumption to begin to give a fuck about heading to the polls. It's not that I'm disinterested in the political process, it's just that the three Democrats vying to run for governor - Mark Dayton, Matt Entenza, and Margaret Anderson Kelliher, are all decent sorts, and any one of them should be able to handily beat Tom Emmer's ass.

It helps that in every single primary ad I've seen, all three candidates are running for the primary on the basis of who can say the most mean things about Tom Emmer, rather than who can say the most mean things about the other candidates. That's always nice to see. Based on that metric alone, I give the edge to Entenza, who's shown no reticence whatsoever to hit early and hit often. But again, no matter who wins, they're running against an awful, awful candidate.

I mean, I never liked Timmeh. Timmeh's a dick. But I've said it before and it's still true - Timmeh is not a true believer. He's not a true believer in anything, so far as I can tell. Every single position he takes, he takes based on helping his career, whether it's not raising taxes so that Grover Norquist will like him or opposing the NYC Islamic community center so that bigots will like him. It's all an act. If he ever becomes President, everything he does during his term in office will probably be based on the speaking gigs he wants to line up afterwards.

Tommeh's just a stupid fucking wingnut. Just a run-of-the-mill, pig-ignorant, vat-grown douchebag who's come by half of his views by watching Fox, and the other half by understanding roughly 60% of what he's read from Bill Kristol. He's a textbook example of what you get when you spend a lifetime substituting talking points for information.

Case in point - the biggest single story of his campaign, the flap over waiter pay. I didn't cover it at the time because I had bigger fish to fry, but I'll bring it up here because it's a classic example of thick-skulled wingnut thought processes. Here's what he got in trouble for saying. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"With the tips that they get to take home, they are some people earning over $100,000 a year. More than the very people providing the jobs and investing not only their life savings but their families' future... Government can only inhibit business, can only keep it from growing, as opposed to creating jobs," he said. "Right now, we have too much of it, guys. We've got to pull government back." - Emmer, at a restaurant, proposing eliminating or drastically reducing the minimum wage for waiters.

That's fucking Wingnut 101, right there. First, take an outlying factoid: a few waiters at high-end establishments doing very well off tips. Second, treat that outlier as the norm, or at least as an indicator of the norm. Third, run it through your ideological filter: Government can only inhibit business! Fourth, present the result to the public, and become shocked when they recoil in horror at the misshapen, lumpy product of your bad assumptions and faulty logic that you thought was perfectly reasonable.

That's how True Believers work. Timmeh would never have done that, because Timmeh would have known how bad it sounded. He certainly wouldn't have done it at a fucking restaurant. Maybe in the back room at the Club For Growth, if there weren't any reporters around, but never at a fucking restaurant.

He's pulled some other garden-variety stupid and bigoted shit - calling for a proposal that went into law three years ago and he voted against, for example. And five years ago, as a state rep, he led a one-man vendetta against the Minnesota AIDS Project. Oh, and he claimed that his drunk driving 20 years ago gave him the perspective only he could have when deciding to try to reduce the amount of time drunk drivers get their licenses revoked. Which he says he didn't do, but he really did.

All these data points add up to one mediocre, average, butt-stupid wingnut who will continue to trip over his tiny brain for the next three months, alienating all the centrists and independents and undecideds who heard what Timmeh wanted them to hear during the last two elections. Tommeh will not woo them to the dark side with his clumsy advances and his showers of vaguely bacony flop-sweat.

And yes, you did just catch me overestimating the intelligence of the Minnesota population. What the hell. I gotta go out on a limb every once in a while.