Why We Have Judges / The Harder Side Of Sears

« August 2010 »


"Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite- sex couples are superior to same-sex couples." - Judge Vaughn Walker.

When I say that, it's true, but it doesn't matter. When a judge says it, it matters. For a little while. Until the appeal. And another judge. I'd love to think a ruling this decisive would end the gay marriage debate, at least in California, the way the Dover decision stuffed intelligent design in its trunk, drove it out into the desert, and put two in the back of its empty head, but that's not going to happen.

Still, there's something deeply heartwarming to an old, atheist intellectual elitist like myself in the words "fails to advance any rational basis". Rolls nicely off the tongue, as it were. I am disappointed that the judge did not grant the motion to have George Takei kick every single member of the pro-Proposition-8 legal team square in the crotch, though. Stupid eighth amendment.

Anyway, just wanted to get that bit of topical gloating out of the way before I went on to mock another hissyfit thrown by the people who are probably ragestroking (or possibly some other kind of secret, shameful stroking) over the Prop 8 decision - the American Family Association. For the benefit of new readers, I'm on their mailing list for some reason. And when they flip out about something, I hear about it. Like this week:

"We tried. In fact, we tried more than a half-dozen times to reach out to Sears quietly and professionally. Sears' public relations department has refused to return our calls and emails. Sears is currently offering giant posters of total nud**y on its website. Sears knows they are selling smut. Technology allows Sears to remove and stop selling these posters within minutes, so why won't they?"

I cannot for the life of me figure out why "nudity" gets asterisks and "smut" doesn't. They say it's to avoid e-mail filters, but I'd think "smut" and "lesbian" would trigger just as many filters as the asterisked "nudity" and "sexual". Anyway, Sears is selling porn posters! Pornsters! It's about damn time. Sears has needed to reinvent itself for about two decades, and porn is about the only thing they haven't tried yet.

Oh, how my imagination ran with the concept! Mainly a bunch of stuff around the ideas of "Craftsman" and "tools". And a well-hung porn star named Roy Buck*. But no, it was not to be. It was actually very difficult to figure out what the AFA was talking about, and I wondered how the hell they found the nudie posters when I couldn't Luckily, I kept reading:

"I hope you will take my word for it, but if you must see the proof, they can be found here. Warning: the posters are extremely graphic and offensive, although they have been edited by us. These aren't just posters of scantily-clad women. Some of them depict groups of people, lesbians and others engaged in ***ual activities. Very little is left to the imagination."

Leave it to the AFA - I get more offensive material in their e-mails than I do in my spam. Clicking on the image, I was gobsmacked. Some poor AFA employee had to go through the entire Sears online poster catalog, capture thumbnails of all the filthy ones, blur them, and assemble them into a collage. It must have taken hours even if you discount the frequent masturbation breaks. But in the image, amongst the blurry fleshtones, was a poster with the slogan "Safe Sex Is Hot Sex". Armed with searchable text, I learned the horrifying truth.

Sears isn't selling sm*t, s*ut, *mut, or smu*. Poster Revolution is. Sears made a deal with a big online poster seller, and their entire database of stuff went into Sears' website, including a few titties and girl-kisses. The AFA must know this, but they must also know that naked people for sale on an internet website is the Dog Bites Man of religious outrage. But Sears is an honored American institution, established so long ago that people wiped their asses with the catalog pages.

With such scatological beginnings, I don't know why anyone would be shocked by a bit of skin, but we can just add it to the list of things I don't understand about the AFA's concerns, a list so large it warps time and space. Why, it's almost as if they fail to advance any rational basis for why they're so damn upset all the time.

*Ask your parents. They may also know what the J.C. in J.C. Penney stands for.