Memo to Big Hollywood: YOUR TWO-LINERS ARE KINDA FUNNY.

One of my ongoing disappointments with Big Hollywood comes from their practice of limiting what goes out in their RSS feed. I see a title, an author, and two lines that promise hilarity, and I click through, and unless it's the inadvertent genius of Victoria Jackson, all I get is paragraph after paragraph of predictable, plodding bullshit.

The solution, of course, is to embrace the problem, and only make fun of the first two lines. So I present to you the Big Hollywood Too Long, Didn't Read Challenge, in which I take twelve of the most recent Big Hollywood articles, plus two gems from the recent past, and mock them solely based on what's presented to me in Google Reader.

Catholics vs. Communists
from Big Hollywood by Michael Moriarty
The Great Catholic Scandal! Hmmm … does this really have to do with child abuse or, to use the Reagan perspective, are these arrests and possibly further imprisonments of high level Catholic...

Catholics are clearly being persecuted! Just because some of them fucked children and others, including the Pope, covered it up doesn't mean it's time for Catholics to be the victims of some kind of witch hunt.... I mean inquisition, I mean, um, REAGAN!

I swear, conservatives see Ronald Reagan as a cross between Superman and Candyman. Say his name in the mirror three times, and he'll appear to save you from the forces of atheist socialist communism that bedevil you for being a moron.

KURT LODER: ‘Eclipse’ Best of ‘Twilight’ Films; Still Not Very Good
from Big Hollywood by Big Hollywood
Kurt Loder at MTV News: “Eclipse” might be as good as the “Twilight” films are going to get. The main actors have settled comfortably into their roles in this third...

I don't know why Big Hollywood couldn't find someone to review Eclipse, and instead chose to republish Kurt Loder, who I can't imagine they'd respect. I mean, sure, there are very few ultraconservative fourteen year old girls, but surely there must be someone there to met aphorize the fuck out of vampires and werewolves. Come on! Vampires are liberals, sucking the blood out of the economy with their taxes and wooing the simple-minded with their Hollywood sparkle, and werewolves are conservatives, with their Biblical names and their fierce animal nature and their TOTALLY NOT GAY shirtless abdominalness. How difficult could that be?

Dim Bulb: Someone Tell Sheryl Crow Her Planet-Killing Light Bulbs Are Showing
from Big Hollywood by Tim Slagle
In a recent interview with Katie Couric for Glamour Magazine, Sheryl  Crow claimed tea partiers are uneducated and dangerous. In my opinion, using one square of toilet paper at a time is dangerous;.

Only two lines, and I can instantly see Slagle is working up a pair of BH cliches. First, there's finding celebrities who say mean things about the far right and declaring vendetta against them, and second, the canard that there's some conflict between people being environmentalists and having careers or living in economic strata that comes with an above-average energy use. Yes, Al Gore flies on planes. That doesn't make him a hypocrite. It's not our fault you don't understand hypocrisy.  It's just a natural side-effect of refusing to recognize it in so many of your fellow travelers.

Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert Challenges Americans to Do Jobs Illegals Won’t
from Big Hollywood by Gary Graham
Here’s my response to Stephen Colbert’s ‘Take Our Jobs!’ challenge that asks Americans to do the work illegals now do…   One grows weary of having to repeat the same defense of our...

Of course Gary Graham will take jobs Americans won't do. If I had Graham's IMDB page, I'd be hard-pressed to believe there are jobs people wouldn't take, too. Also, if you're weary of repeating the defense, you could always stop repeating it. It's obviously not very convincing. Still, bonus points to Graham for realizing that Colbert isn't on his side.

Daily Gut: One Man’s Terrorist Is WaPo’s ‘Protester’
from Big Hollywood by Greg Gutfeld
So Dwight Armstrong died last week. He was an asshole who planted a bomb made of jet fuel near a lab at the University of Wisconsin back in 1970. The bomb killed a young teacher named Robert...

Hey, Greg. If you're so fucking upset that a newspaper didn't use the terminology you would have in a news story about the death of an obscure criminal from 40 years ago, then I would recommend two things. One, a strong cup of soothing chamomile tea. It'll do wonders for your outraged blood pressure. And two, a strong cup of shut the fuck up until you invent a time machine, travel back ten years, and singlehandedly stop the wholesale devaluing of the word "terrorist" by the right.

Softballs: WaPo Can’t Be Bothered To Challenge Oliver Stone’s Outrageous Statements
from Big Hollywood by Alicia Colon Throughout the promotional campaign for “South of the Border,” director Oliver Stone has been loudly complaining about what he sees as the American media’s unfavorable bias towards the subject of his...

Wah, wah, wah, a reporter didn't frame an interview with an entertainer in the far-right context I believe in my heart of hearts. This, of course, reflects the death of objective journalism and the coddling of South American communist dictators by the Post.

Sheryl Crow Says Tea Partiers ‘Haven’t Educated Themselves’
from Big Hollywood by Kristina Rasmussen
The June edition of Glamour magazine features a Katie Couric interview of singer Sheryl Crow. When asked about the Tea Party movement, here’s what Sheryl had to say: KATIE COURIC: What do you think..

This is what I mean about the vendetta thing. Sheryl Crow says something mean about tea-baggers in Glamour, and Big Hollywood slapped together two attack pieces on her in two days. Given past experience, I suspect there'll be a third before the week's out, and then this incident will be referred to, and spawn an article, every time a major piece of Sheryl Crow news makes its way around.

REWARD: $100,000 for Full ‘JournoList’ Archive; Source Fully Protected
from Big Hollywood by Andrew Breitbart
I’ve had $100,000 burning in my pocket for the last three months and I’d really like to spend it on a worthy cause. So how about this: in the interests of journalistic transparency, and to offer the...

Um, Andy? You are very, very close to becoming The Insane Drunken Boy Who Cried "I'll Pretend To Throw A Hundred Grand At Whatever People Are Talking A Lot About", which I freely admit is less pithy than "Wolf!", but I can't help it. Some Washington Post blogger got fired for saying uncouth things about Matt Drudge on a private journalist e-mail confab, and Breitbart is there with his hundred thousand dollar reward schtick. Next he'll be offering his money to anyone who can get Bella to break up with that liberal Edward and marry that fine upstanding Jacob fellow he's not attracted to at all, really.

REVIEW: First Two ‘Twilight’ Movies Disappoint—Will the Third?
from Big Hollywood by John P. Hanlon
In preparation for this week’s release of the third of the “Twilight Saga” films (entitled “Eclipse”), I recently watched the first two. The “Twilight” films (as well as the books they’re...

Oh! John Hanlon's their fourteen-year-old girl, but instead of having him actually go see Eclipse and review it, probably because BH doesn't have the credentials to get into a critics' screening, they just have him go on at length about the first two movies and the first two books. And no, there isn't enough money in the world to make me click through and read that.

‘The Tillman Story’: Reviews Uniformly Glowing and Trusting
from Big Hollywood by John Nolte
After S.T. VanAirsdale of the hard-left film site Movieline wondered aloud who Big Hollywood would choose to “smear” with respect to the upcoming documentary “The Tillman...

Good to know I'm not the only one who finds the BH schtick utterly predictable. Also, Movieline's a "hard-left" site? I just went there and didn't see a single five star review of any movie about an aborted fetus having gay sex with a welfare recipient.

Anyway, I don't need to click through to know what this will be - a lot of fake even-handedness designed to throw doubt on established facts surrounding the incredibly embarrassing Pat Tillman saga. Sort of the warmonger version of "teaching the controversy". In fact, I'll go so far as to predict some version of the sentence "Nobody will ever really know what happened that day..." somewhere in the piece. I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm comfortable playing those odds.

Janeane Garofalo’s Meltdown: Christian Racists Wrapping Themselves In Flag Violates Separation of Church and State
from Big Hollywood by AWR Hawkins
On June 25, the A.V. Club posted an interview with comedian Janeane Garofalo. It was a fairly substantial piece in which the interviewer, Sean O’Neal, asked about everything from Garofalo’s stand-up...

Janeane Garofalo is a long-time recipient of Big Hollywood Vendetta. Therefore, anything mean she says about religion or right-wingers will be portrayed as a "meltdown", even though I actually read the A.V. Club interview in question and it was, tonally, very calm and friendly.

BOOK REVIEW: Sarah Silverman’s ‘The Bedwetter’
from Big Hollywood by Jeffrey Jena
As a conservative I can’t afford to limit myself to entertainment choices that I agree with politically. I read Ms. Silverman’s book hoping to get some insight into why so many people seem to think...

Sarah Silverman is a long-time recipient of Big Hollywood Vendetta. Also, what Jena means to say is that if he limited himself to entertainment choices he agreed with politically, he would be bored, bitter, and resentful, instead of just bitter and resentful. Also, he read Ms. Silverman's book hoping to get a column about Sarah Silverman out of it. Insight was never a factor.

The Obama Omelette: Euthanasia, Abortion, Obamanomics… Death is Death
from Big Hollywood by Michael Moriarty
I must say, writing for Big Hollywood has made me face the most belligerently intelligent among my readers, many of whom refuse to believe that murder is murder. Even those who are willing to admit...

Odds of Michael Moriarty applying his Catholic Murder Truism to war, execution, or letting "lazy" people freeze to death under bridges? Magic 8-Ball says "Slim as fuck, Bryan." Everyone should have their own personalized Magic 8-Ball for stuff like this. Well, OK, not Victoria Jackson. She'd think it actually speaks to her and predicts the future.

Rosie O’Donnell: Meet the ‘Next Oprah’ — Part 12
from Big Hollywood by Big Hollywood
[Rosie] O’Donnell said she wanted to “build on what Oprah began and excelled at for 25 years, in my own style and with new adaptations and ideas.” Rosie O’Donnell will return...

Rosie O'Donnell is a long-time recipient of Big Hollywood Vendetta. Come to think of it, most of the entertainers singled out for massive attack by BH are women. I mean, yeah, they have a predictable obsession with Sean Penn and a slightly less predictable obsession with Roman Polanski, but it's when women step out of the kitchen and put on shoes that they really get cranky. Anyway, I just wanted to point out that while they may be dull in the specifics, at a high level, Big Hollywood is still completely bugfuck. Who else would use mere rumors of a new talk show as an excuse to run a TWELVE PART RETROSPECTIVE on someone whose politics they disagree with?

Too loony; don't read.