The Alphaline And The Omegaline

« June 2010 »

Memo to many and varied: YOU ARE DUMB.

Time once again for the weekly wrap-up of dumb stories either too small to fill out a full column with, or too lame to make me give a shit for more than two paragraphs. Or, in the original Latin, SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

We'll start with an update to yesterday's column about Gary Faulkner, terrorist assassin and amateur Rambo. Faulkner is back in the United States, and as befits any other criminally insane man detained by foreign authorities, he's speaking to the press. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"But during a stopover in Los Angeles, Faulkner was asked by reporters if he planned to return. 'Absolutely,' he said. He added cryptically, "You'll find out at the end of August.'" - Faulkner, in an LA airport.

Far be it from me to tell other people what to do or how to live their lives, shouldn't someone be intervening in some way here? I mean, the guy clearly has plans in mind for just a couple months from now. Stop hailing the conquering hero and start seeking professional help. Oh, and his brother Scott? From yesterday? Scott's a DOCTOR. Mother of all fucks.

Speaking of inappropriate emotional responses, there's a new study out that seems to indicate that injecting poison into your facial muscles in order to look younger might not be all that good for you.

Researchers at Barnard College in New York found out that Botox can actually diminish people's emotional reactions. It seems that there's a biofeedback loop between emotions and facial expressions, and when you paralyze the facial expressions, you diminish the feedback loop. So it's possible that the strong correlation you see on, say, reality TV between heavy Botox use and completely fucked up behavior might actually have a causal relationship the exact opposite to what I thought it was. Sorry, Botox assholes! Turns out it's your face's fault.

I have an opinion on the whole McChrystal situation, but it turns out it was just under 140 characters, so I put it on Twitter.

Sears and K-Mart have joined forces to launch Alphaline, a video streaming service. It'll be powered by Sonic Solutions, the people who made Roxio CD-burning software. You'll be able to use it to watch up to 5,000 movies on various bits of supporting hardware, assuming you shop only at Sears and K-Mart, have never heard of Netflix, and have never actually used a piece of Roxio software before.

If, after reading all that, you're still inexplicably tempted to sign up for Alphaline when it debuts "this holiday season", you should probably check Google. The service may have failed in the time it took you to read these two paragraphs. Better safe than sorry, as Sears and K-Mart's accountants completely failed to say.