I Believe Your Sword Is Forfeit

« June 2010 »

Memo to the Faulkner family: HE DOESN'T GET TO KEEP THE SWORD.

Gary Brooks Faulkner is a raving nutter. He is not a patriot, he is not a Christian, he is not a symbol, and he should not, under any circumstances, become famous. He is mentally fucking ill. Just wanted to get that out of the way.

Faulkner's story* starts in the woods of Pakistan. At least his public story does. It was in the woods of Pakistan where Faulkner was arrested by Pakistani authorities, on account of his having ditched the complimentary armed guard you get when you visit the country. It's like a mint on your pillow, if the mint on your pillow had killed a man. When they found Faulkner in the woods, he was carrying a pistol, night-vision goggles, and what has been described in various accounts as either a "sword" or a "ninja sword".

Faulkner was trying to kill Osama bin Laden. He did not succeed.

This is what crazy people do. They sell all their stuff, grow their beard long, travel to Pakistan SIX TIMES, arrange to buy a pistol, night-vision goggles, and a fucking ninja sword once they're in the country, and try to pay bin Laden back for what he did to America on 9/11. Especially when they have nine percent kidney function and need dialysis to survive. I'm not talking about bin Laden - that's FAULKNER'S kidneys that are shot.

Apparently there is a segment of the population for whom this behavior borders on noble, and ground zero for that sentiment, if you'll pardon the expression, is Faulkner's own family. ACTUAL QUOTES TIME!

"A lot of kids grow up and say,`I want to be Rambo,' you know? Well, he is... Our military has not been able to track Osama down yet. It's been 10 years. It's easier as a civilian, dressed in the local dress, to infiltrate the inside, the local people, gain their confidence and get information and intel that you couldn't get as an American soldier, Navy SEAL, whoever you might be." - Faulkner's brother, Scott.

Apparently, the information that Rambo Jr. was able to get from the locals was that Osama bin Laden was hiding in the woods. I wonder what Pakistani for "snipe" is? Blood is thicker than water, but Scott Faulkner is thicker than Gulf of Mexico water. I mean, listen to this shit.

"He's as normal as you and I. He's just very passionate, and, as a Christian, he felt, when Osama mocked this country after 9/11, and it didn't feel like the military was doing enough, it became his passion, his mission, to track down Osama, and kill him, or bring him back alive." - Scott Faulkner some more.

I love that it wasn't just the attack, it was that bin Laden taunted and mocked us afterwards. None of this is "as normal as you and I", Scott. It sure as fuck isn't as normal as I. Hell, it's not even as normal as you, because the last time I checked, all you were doing was giving press conferences. Unless you're giving them with night-vision goggles and a 40-inch NINJA SWORD, you're still more normal than your brother.

The Pakistanis have released Gary Faulkner without charges, which is a good thing, in that clinically insane people with failing kidneys don't deserve to rot in a Pakistani prison. But if you think he's going to get the psychiatric help he desperately needs when he returns, think again. His family has formally requested that the United States embassy... RETURN THE SWORD.

You get your fucked-up family member back. Be thankful. You don't get a souvenir, you hicktards.

"I think when he gets back, that since he is in his own way a patriot, there may be causes out there that he might want to donate that (sword) to. I'm going to try to get him to auction that off for a cause, because I think it's memorabilia."

That quote is attributed only to Faulkner's "brother-in-law". Since Scott Faulkner is named "Faulkner", I can only assume that Gary Faulkner has a sister, and that sister did not marry up the food chain. Yeah, Gary Faulkner is in his own way a patriot. And I am, in my own way, a Pulitzer-prize winning author. With a ten-inch penis. That I use to fuck Pegasus. Totally consensually, of course. And in my own way.

Since the universe contrives to make me miserable apart from those forty-five minutes a day where I realize I still have more material than I can ever write about, I can only assume that Gary Faulkner will fill the evolutionary niche recently semi-abandoned by Joe The Plumber, showing up at Tea Party rallies waving his sword around and inspiring a generation of wingnuts to take the law into their own hands, then falling on their own faces.

*Ha! I made a funny.