Intellectually, She's No LaToya

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Memo to Victoria Jackson: YOUR VERY EXISTENCE IS BOTH BANE AND BOON.

By "very", I mean actual, not "a lot". It's an alternate usage you're probably not familiar with. By "existence" I mean everything that you are and have become. "Bane" is a bad thing - something to be avoided at all costs. "Boon" is something good, something you seek out, a favor granted.

Here, I can tell by the look on your face this is going badly. Let me put it in terms you understand. YOU ARE DUMB. Which is a bad thing for society, but a good thing for me, because dumb is my stock in trade and your particular brand of dumb is a great thing to have on hand to mock when, say, just as a hypothetical, I'm riding a very bad case of Mountain Dew jitters after eight hours behind the wheel.

Which is why I held onto the sweet, sweet goodness that is Jackson's latest cry for help since it dropped with a dull, brown splat onto Big Hollywood last week. It's entitled, "I'm Mad At Christians". And before you ask, no, it's not a screed against hypocrisy brought on by a sudden bout of self-awareness. No, it's the latest chapter in Vickie's ongoing accidental diary about how her fervent wingnuttery is alienating everyone around her. Example one!

"I was sitting in Church-Lady Helen’s living room. Someone commented on the illegal immigration problem. I said, 'For some strange reason our government doesn’t know that illegal immigration is illegal.' Pious Helen stuck her nose in the air and proudly declared, 'I never discuss politics.' I felt like I’d just been punched in the face. Is it a sin to watch the news? Maybe it’s okay to watch it, but not to talk about it."

This anecdote sets in stone two long-suspected theories about Victoria Jackson. The first is that she will take any opportunity to fire off one of the half-dozen Hannity-approved pithy talking points her mynah-brain can store at any given time. And two, once she starts, people will do anything to try to get her to stop. Clearly, the "someone" who mentioned illegal immigration was someone who didn't know Jackson's stimulus-response patterns. I'm guessing the instant the word "immigration" left his lips, the entire room cringed like they'd smelled three-day-old Taco Bell fart.

Vickie, talking about the news is like rubbing your genitals. It's only a sin when you clearly get off on it. The carnage continues!

"The pastor said, 'Okay…I’ll just come out and say it. (angry face) Instead of clicking a button and sending out some email information about the President…why don’t you spend 15 minutes praying for him?' He was looking right at me. My mind shouted back at him, 'Why can’t we do both?!' I do both. Are Christians allowed to read and think ? Or are we only allowed to pray?!"

Every word is a target-rich environment. That's why I am grateful to Victoria Jackson. I wonder how many forwarded Birther e-mails the pastor got before he snapped and used his ANGRY FACE on poor Vickie. I bet it was more than ten. Of course, the kind of praying for the president Vickie does, and presumably her pastor does, is that super-offensive brand of praying for the wicked to join the cult that these types always do. Well, I'm going to pray for Vickie. I pray she never learns what reading and thinking actually are, because her head will implode, and then where will I get my best, easiest material?

Like this, for example. It wouldn't be a Jackson missive without an incredibly revealing detail that says more about Victoria than she ever thought possible. Here's this go-round's example.

"I must confess, if I am to be truthful, that…okay, I’ll just put it out there…the first time I ever voted I was forty something. There I said it. I know. It’s embarrassing. But I’m trying to make a point. It was the year Clinton said, '...that depends on the meaning of the word "is".' I snapped... I always thought politics was for the middle age people. But then, one day, I was the middle age people. So, I voted Clinton out. My vote counted. Bush won."

Now, much has been made of Jackson's apparent belief that George W. Bush was running against Bill Clinton in 2000. Regular readers of this column, however, took it in stride, because we know damn well she's that stupid, and more so. I'd rather focus on two things - the fact that she was 40-something ten years ago, which means I think we all need to revise our mental image of her a lot. And Big Hollywood should take a new photo. And second, WHY she didn't vote until 2000, even though her father told her to always vote for Republicans "because they're closer to the Bible". Only one quote earns the privilege of ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!, and this is it:

"I didn’t vote for anyone. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know where to go. I never saw a sign that said, 'Vote Here.' I didn’t know how to 'register' or even that I had to register."

Sweet merciful mother of fuck. If I weren't so utterly convinced that this quote reveals a stunning depth of ignorance and apathy, I'd be deeply troubled that I've spent months mocking a high-functioning woman with an actual mental disability. Even so, I think I'll hold off on suggesting how much fun people in her neighborhood could have a few days before the November election with homemade "Vote Here" signs. That would be wrong. Don't do that. No matter how hilarious it would be.

It goes on from there, for a very long time, but I don't have the space or the energy to unpack the rest of the crazy. Except for the closer. Jackson prides herself on her Christianity and her reading of the Bible, but I'm pretty sure her parting line isn't an actual Bible verse:

"Let’s put Jesus back into politics. He can fix it. He can fix anything. Luke 1:37." Am I crazy, or did Victoria Jackson just mix up Jesus with Bob The Builder?