Apathy (Feeling Gone, Can't Go On)

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Memo to scandal-sniffers, Major League Baseball, and Chris Matthews: I DON'T CARE.

We're getting into one of those weird periods here at You Are Dumb Dot Net, where the dominant news stories go on for so long, and drown out so many other things, that my list of potential topics narrows considerably. There's the oil spill, which at least manages to spew millions of barrels of stupid into the media sphere every day. There's the Israel flotilla raid, which I wouldn't touch with Benjamin Netanyahu's laser-guided dick. And then there's a bunch of stuff I have a tough time giving a shit about - the subject of this week's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY.

For example, I don't give a shit about the Joe Sestak job offer. Or the Andrew Romanoff job offer. It's not a scandal. You know how I know it's not a scandal? Because I've seen some damn scandals. Firing attorneys because they won't bring specious charges against your opponents is a scandal. Soliciting sex in an airport bathroom is a scandal. Wanting to avoid a primary challenge for Arlen Specter is not a scandal.

I mean, it's STUPID. Don't get me wrong. You'd think, given the problems conservadems and Blue Dogs have given to Obama's already-too-moderate agenda, that Obama would love to get all the legitimate Democrats into office that he can manage. Instead, he tried to flex a tiny amount of political muscle, failed, and now the talking heads are tripping all over themselves to find ways it was wrong even though it wasn't illegal, the offers were refused, and the whole thing led to nothing. Me? I don't care. And neither should anyone else.


I also don't care about baseball's bad call and the blown perfect game. And not just because I don't give a shit about baseball in general. But baseball fans who bitch about Bud Selig not reversing the obviously blown call are like gay Catholics who bitch every time the Pope calls them abominations.

The technology exists to determine what actually happens in nearly every baseball play. It's existed for years. We know this call was blown because of that technology. And it keeps getting better. But baseball refuses to use it, because of insane notions about tradition and Field Of Dreams mythological bullshit. And that's their prerogative. But that's the sport you follow and the pile of fantasy you signed up for when you bought the jersey and the foam finger. A bunch of Luddites who think that reality will cause inescapable damage to their dirt-and-grass religion. Keep working from the inside and hoping they'll modernize. That's worked out well for the Catholics.


And I don't care about Chris Matthews.

Wait, that's not right. I don't care FOR Chris Matthews. Which fucks up my theme, I know, but since I don't give a shit about my theme, that actually supports my theme and I win. You may have noticed a bit of extra venom delivered at Spuds McKenzie during yesterday's column. That's because circumstances have made it very easy for me to watch Hardball lately, and my normal mild background disdain for Lil' Baby Red has blossomed into full-on hate. Again.

Why? Because he's taken his usual limited worldview and general lack of intelligence and decided that it's common-sense wisdom in regards to the Gulf oil spill. And he's spent the past two weeks asking loudly why a bunch of things he barely understands haven't been made manifest, like magical supertankers slurping up the oil through giant Crazy Straws, an army of volunteer teenagers restoring the vision of John F. Kennedy by picking up the oil with, presumably, their bare hands, and whatever vaguely plausible idea some guest on his show claims would fix everything but hasn't been tried yet.

Listen up, waffle-fry. Only a small percentage of idiots are also idiot savants. The rest are just idiots. When a smart person with some fucking credibility and expertise comes forth and describes all the obvious things they could do to fix this that aren't happening due to incompetence, then I'll believe them. When BP gets caught covering their asses instead of mitigating the problem, I'll be right on their ass. But if you really want to fix this, then build a fucking time machine and stop Dick Cheney from gutting the MMS, filling it with cronies, and hiding, to this day, all the oil companies he gave reach-arounds to in his secret energy meetings.

Of course, that'll be difficult, since Past Chris Matthews will ignore your warnings just like he ignored those of us who were pointing out how wrong it was at the time. But I'm sure with enough blue-collar common-sense perseverance, you can overcome any obstacle, right?