Now That All The Sack Jokes Have Been Made

« May 2010 »

Memo to George Rekers: YOU ARE DUMB.

OK, I'm starting to think that there actually is a homosexual agenda. And that this agenda has been actively plotting for decades to undermine the moral guardians of America. They've clearly been infiltrating churches, anti-gay organizations, and the Republican party*, waiting for an opportune moment in the culture wars to reveal how wide their stance is.

Either that, or George Rekers is the most incompetent self-hating ultraconservative gay dude in the long and girthy history of incompetent self-hating ultraconservative gay dudes. As you probably know by now, George Rekers is the co-founder of the FRC, the Family Research Council, one of the big guns in socially-conservative homophobia. And he is singlehandedly (or possibly two-handedly - not all the sordid details have come out yet) repurposing that group's initials to stand for Fondling Rentboy Cock.

Rekers got busted taking a ten-day European vacation with a male prostitute he literally found off a gay prostitute website called RENTBOY.COM. I mean, that's just lazy. Another six months and Roy Comfort is going to get caught in a park bathroom with George Michael. It makes Larry Craig look like a master of subtlety. At least Ted Haggard got busted when his gay hooker confessed.

We all know what it's time for, right? We've been down this road many times before. Let's start the PARADE OF SHITTY EXCUSES! The first float clearly had a lot of work put into it, before it was put away in storage to use in case a parade of shitty excuses broke out for some reason. Because when it finally got pulled out of the garage, it smelled like rotting flowers. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

""Contrary to Internet stories based on this slanderous article, following medical advice Professor George Rekers requires an assistant to lift his luggage in his travels because of an ongoing condition following surgery. His family, local friends, and even another university professor colleague have offered to accompany him on trips to lift luggage. Professor Rekers was not involved in any illegal or sexual behavior with his travel assistant." And so it was that "lifting luggage" joined "hiking the Appalachian Trail" in the grand lexicon of phrases that would never, ever be clean again. I, for one, would like to see the durability of Rekers' "luggage" tested, preferably by letting a gorilla jump up and down on it and throw it around a cage.**

But wait, there's more! You think maybe Rekers could manage to compare himself to Jesus Christ, who as far as I know only hung out with female prostitutes? I bet he can. "My hero is Jesus Christ who loves even the culturally despised people, including sexual sinners and prostitutes. Like Jesus Christ, I deliberately spend time with sinners with the loving goal to try to help them."

If the ex-gay movement in which Rekers was a leading light were smart, they'd actually use this to explain the abysmal success rate of anti-gay counseling. It's not that anti-gay counseling is essentially psychological torture that forces gay people to suppress their fundamental nature, it's that all the ex-gay counselors keep having hot gay sex with the patients, minimizing the treatment's overall effectiveness! Yeah, that's the ticket! And now we're all going to be sexually attracted to... Morgan Fairchild!**

Rekers then doubled down on the "ministering to the weak-willed argument, unwittingly creating one of the most hilarious sentences in Shitty Excuse Parade History: "If you talk with my travel assistant that the story called 'Lucien,' you will find I spent a great deal of time sharing scientific information on the desirability of abandoning homosexual intercourse, and I shared the Gospel of Jesus Christ with him in great detail."

I suppose, from the right perspective, a historical recreation of Leviticus involving lobster tails from room service and an evening of nude massage could technically count as "sharing the Gospel in great detail". Especially if Rekers rose on the third day.

And now Rekers seems to be resorting to the last refuge of the scoundrel - threatening to sue "Lucien" for defamation based on a Miami newspaper interview in which he said Rekers was a homosexual, and described where and how he rubbed Rekers every night. Of course, winning a defamation lawsuit would presumably require some sort of heterosexuality test for Rekers to pass. I think we'd all enjoy seeing that happen. Well, not enjoy seeing it literally - I'd probably balk at even the $75/day Lucien was getting for looking at Reker's wrinkly old luggage. But I'd enjoy hearing about the results secondhand. If you'll pardon the term.

If Rekers really is a gay "sleeper agent", as it were, I have to commend the lengths he went to to utterly discredit the anti-gay movement he pretended to represent for decades. And if he's just a self-hating moron who finally got caught, then I can still commend the extent to which he's discredited the anti-gay movement, and hope that one day, he can look back on his life and regret every single fucking minute of it.

*And yes, I know that Venn diagram would look like an old-school 3-D picture of a circle.

**Yes, I am old.