Tea From Two, And One For Tea

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Memo to Michele Bachmann, Dan Quayle, and Steve King: YOU ARE DUMB.

My love-hate relationship with Teabag Nation continues. They are easily the greatest source of column-fodder I've had for years, but at the same time, they're really fucking toxic to American society. But since they won't go anywhere unless the media stops paying attention to them or the president is white again, all that's left is to mock them and everything about them, since as is always the case, IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Democrats said that they were called the 'N word,' which of course would be wrong and inappropriate. But no one has any record of it. No witness saw it, it's not on camera, it's not on audio. They said that they were spat upon. No one saw it. There's a $10,000 reward right now for anyone who can produce a video or an audio. Don't you think we would have seen a video or an audio by now if there was something out there?" - Michele Bachmann, peddling the latest reality-denial strategy of the teabag-friendly.

Leave it to the enablers of the surveillance society to assume that if someone didn't get something on camera, it must not have happened. Of course, she's lying when she said "no witness saw it", because a half dozen witnesses heard the slurs, and I'm not going to give her an out on the bold-faced lie because she said "saw".

But that shit cuts both ways. If there's no video showing it, why isn't there video of the event that clearly shows it didn't happen? Andrew Breitbart actually thought of this, and tried to pass off 48 seconds of footage from later in the day as just this very footage, but since Breitbart is as crazy as Bachmann, as stupid as Bachmann, and drunk to boot, this only fooled...his entire intended audience.

"There's a well-worn path of third-party movements in American history, and it leads straight to a dead end. A cause gathers strength, and its message speaks to millions; then, amid the excitement, a new political party is born, only to perform poorly on Election Day and disappear a cycle or two later. In practice, all that's achieved is a fragmenting of the vote, usually to the benefit of whichever major party the movement had set out to oppose." - Dan Quayle, clearly pissed off that he rose to political prominence before being a complete fucking moron VP candidate got you millions of dollars in book deals and speaking fees.

I am still waiting for prominent Republicans to come right out and state that the problem with the Tea Party Patriots is that they're a bunch of psycho gun-toting racist militia fucks who make the rest of the GOP look even worse by comparison. But no. To Bachmann, the problem is they're being unfairly accused of racism, and for Quayle, the problem is they're not always guaranteed to vote Republican. Worse, they might cause Democrats to win elections. So in case you were wondering if Dan Quayle had grown beyond his possibly undeserved reputation as an intellectual lightweight, you can rest easy making fun of his dumb, dumb ass like it's 1993 all over again.

"The Humane Society of the United States is a political machine masquerading as an umbrella organization for local humane societies. HSUS bills itself as an animal care organization but it spends less than 1% of its $100 million annual budget on direct animal care. Instead, HSUS solicits money from well-intentioned but often uninformed animal lovers and uses these donations to lobby Congress for an anti-meat, anti-animal agriculture agenda. HSUS is run by vegetarians with an agenda whose goal is to take meat off everyone's table in America." - America's Dumbest Lawmaker, Steve King of Iowa.

This is another problem with the mainlining and mainstreaming of teabagger rhetoric. Douchenuts like Steve King apply the same tactics to anyone they don't like. So, to Steve King, whose Midwesternism and Republicanism mean he has to support factory meat production at any cost, the Humane Society can't just be opposed to animal abuse, no. They're going to FORCE YOU TO EAT ARUGULA. They will take away your cannibal cows and your shit-lagoon-filling pigs, and leave you with nothing to eat except quinoa and cucumbers, destroying America in the process. Because being reasonable gets you nowhere in 2010.