Mommy, Why Does Mini-Golf Smell Like Shit?

« March 2010 »

Memo to Victoria Jackson, Glenn Beck, and Prescott, Arizona: YOU ARE DUMB.

As of about 7 p.m. last night, the health care debate is, for all practical intents and purposes, over. Not that it'll make everyone shut up about it, and there's probably one more good brick-throwing left in the Wingnut Revolutionaries while their enablers blame all the violence on liberals. But the bill passed, the reconciliation bill passed and passed again, and health insurance stocks are soaring.

And while I'm glad for it, it does leave my slush pile a barren, desolate wasteland. I will attempt to scrounge together enough crumbs for a meal, ignoring the stuff that thematically should really wait for Good Friday for maximum comedic effect. So consider today SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY BAD FRIDAY!

So I hit up Big Hollywood briefly, for one reason, and one reason only - to see if Victoria Jackson had taken a netbook out on the ledge with her after her dreaded Obamacare became the law of the land. I know the clock tower doesn't have Wi-Fi, but I figured odds were 50/50 attempted suicide and attempted homicide. No word from her for weeks, but I did stumble across this gem that I'd overlooked, from a column about how awful swearing (and thus by extension Rahm Emanuel) is. ACTUAL MAKE YOU FEEL A BIT BAD FOR LAUGHING, BUT YOU CAN'T STOP QUOTE TIME!

"My daughter when she was 8 asked me if she was allowed to say F-A-R-T. I said, 'Absolutely not. Even if we weren’t Christians, it is not lady like. Besides, when do you ever need to say it? When someone does one you are supposed to pretend you didn’t smell or hear it. That’s polite. 'Pleasssse Mommy,' she pleaded. 'Everybody says it. Even my teachers.' 'Well, we don’t say it. We say Putt Putt. Aubbie is a nut. She has a rubber butt. And every time she turns around it goes putt putt. My Mom taught me that.' 'What?! Everyone would make fun of me if I said that.' 'Why do you have to be like everyone? Why don’t you be a trendsetter? Call it a razzamatazz. I bet everyone will copy you.'"

This sequence is like a SkyMall catalog of dysfunction. By what twisted linguistic analysis is "fart" a gateway to swearing and heroin (no, seriously - I couldn't quote the whole thing), while "butt" is a harmless part of an insipid rhyme? And why is it that the only sane sentence is uttered by an eight-year-old? I can't pull off the ironic detachment necessary to get away with calling my rectal explosions "razzmatazz" (that's how it's spelled, by the way, Vickie), so there's no way in hell an eight-year-old can make that work in a room as tough as elementary school.

In the annals of unreliable witnesses, Glenn Beck ranks slightly below Helen Keller. Not Keller then, Keller now. Sometimes, however, the Least Trusted Name In News says something that's equally horrifying whether it's true or false. Enjoy this account from Beck's radio show of what a Fox News vice-president told cable news' #1 red-faced moon-pie.

"He said, 'Glenn, everything you’re talking about is coming. Everything you’re talking about — everything you’ve been talking about for the last year and a half. It’s all here now. And what you’re saying is coming, I don’t see any other way... Glenn, the answer is, you’ve been saying it for a while,' he said, 'but we have to convince the audience that this is really truly true. You are the key. You must be able to reach to your friends and your neighbors, you must, must, must, bring one person to the table.'"

This quote actually has four distinct, equally awful implications. If this is pure cynical self-aggrandizement on Beck's part, that means Beck's audience is actually susceptible to such an amateur ploy, which means they're even dumber than we thought. If this is the product of actual delusion on Beck's part, then every single reference he made to Obama being the "Messiah" was pure projection. If the Fox VP did say this, but did not believe it, then Glenn Beck is so unstable and narcissistic that he needs this level of corporate dick-fluffing. And if the Fox VP meant what he said, well, I think we all know just what circle of hell THAT brings us to, don't we? I think I'm going to go have a good fake cry in front of my blackboard.

I don't know why I think of the "English First" crowd as a vanished relic from a bygone age. I think it's just that a lot of the people who buy into xenophobic linguistics also believe in shit like the global caliphate, Obama's Kenyan birth certificate, and Communist fluoridated water plots. So they're mostly too busy to bitch about stuff in America being in Spanish. Still, every once in a while, they pop up and surprise me.

The latest battleground? Prescott, Arizona. The latest punch to the aristocratic nose of the elegant and cultured American English dialect? A banner, in Spanish, encouraging residents to take part in the Census. This got the usual suspects riled up, including council member John Hanna, who stayed classy. "If you're here in the U.S. and can't speak English, you need to go home. If you're counting them... you're saying you'll do whatever you can to cater to their needs."

Parsed out, this is a fascinating approach to public policy. Pretending undesirables don't exist, in the hopes that eventually they will get the message and go away. I believe this idea first surfaced in a 1976 white paper for the Institute for Advanced La La La I Can't Hear You.

Other council members were simultaneously more and less discriminating, simply assuming anyone who read the Spanish sign and participated in the Census would be an illegal immigrant. In their defense, they did this merely because their brains are tiny, shriveled things, constantly quaking in fear of the Other, and reducing everything to simplistic dichotomies in which they can, for the first time in their lives, feel superior. I know, it's not much of a defense, but it's more than these shitkickers deserve.