« March 2010 »

Memo to Randy Neugebauer, Randy Neugebauer, and Randy Neugebauer: YOU ARE DUMB.

Randy Neugebauer, I am bestowing upon you a rare honor. And not just because your name sounds like Jerry Lewis' porn pseudonym. And not just because you hail from deep in the fart of Texas. No, you have achieved the rare trifecta - uttering three stupid quotes on separate occasions, on the same topic, allowing you to be the lone idiot in this week's IDIOT SAYS THE DAMNDEST THINGS!


This, of course, is what started the whole thing. It was Sunday night, the House of Representatives was trying to pass health care. Well, half of it was. The other half were just trying to be giant douchebags. Bart Stupak, who is normally a giant douchebag, actually did something noble for the first time since I've learned his name. When the Republicans, as a stupid parliamentary trick, tried to get Stupak's ridiculous embryo-fetishist language into the health care bill, Stupak called it what it was and refused to support it. Which is when the cry of "Babykiller" emerged from the back-benches of the Republican congressmen.

The sentiment was ridiculous on every possible level. I mean, I think the "comity" so beloved by legislatures is a huge and harmful myth, but that doesn't mean the people who write our laws should act like unemployed former Wal-Mart greeters outside an abortion clinic. In the ranks of low-class epithets, shouting "babykiller" pretty much cements your status as toothless, ignorant trailer trash with pork rinds where your thinkin' parts should go. And then he yelled it at Bart Stupak, who's about half a bag of pork rinds away from Neugebauer on the issues, over language that everyone knows wouldn't kill any more babies anyway. For a while, nobody owned up to yelling it, but either someone twisted his arm to confess, or the fucker has neither sense nor shame, because eventually Neugebauer 'fessed up. Which led to this.

"Last night was the climax of weeks and months of debate on a health care bill that my constituents fear and do not support. In the heat and emotion of the debate, I exclaimed the phrase ‘it’s a baby killer’ in reference to the agreement reached by the Democratic leadership. While I remain heartbroken over the passage of this bill and the tragic consequences it will have for the unborn, I deeply regret that my actions were mistakenly interpreted as a direct reference to Congressman Stupak himself." - Neugebauer, 'fessing up.

As you should know by know, I am a connoisseur and collector of shit-ass excuses and weaksauce apologies from our nation's political elite. Well, it's time to dust off the well-lit high shelf, because Neugebauer hit this clump of stale bullshit so far out of the park it burned up on reentry. The stench still lingers in the Mountain time zone.

See? That slur he flung, a slur that has, for its entire usage history, been aimed solely at abortion seekers, providers, and supporters, wasn't aimed at a person! And it certainly wasn't aimed at the person who was speaking when he yelled it! It was yelled at an inanimate object that will, by its very nature, kill babies. Which makes it OK.

Never mind that the bill is not actually a baby-killer and won't have grave consequences for the unborn, no matter how much better I'd like it if it were. Also, frankly, if you can't get through weeks and months of debate without losing your cool in the heat of the moment and shouting bullshit onto the floor of the House, maybe legislation isn't your ideal career. Might I suggest bingo calling, carnival barkery, or possibly a one-man show in Branson, Missouri? Michael Medved of The Michael Medved Show* calls "Babykiller!" a tour de force!

So his apology was pointless and meaningless, a fact which Neugebauer reinforced the very next day.

"If I don’t apologize they may bring some kind of action against me on the floor. But you know what, they’ll just have to do that because I am not backing down. Americans all across the country are speaking out in favor of what I’ve said. They are so appreciative that I stood up and called a spade a spade." - Neugebauer, in a conference call to reporters yesterday.

See, this is why we can't have nice things. Your Randy Neugebauers can do something that is simultaneously wildly inappropriate and factually incorrect, follow it up with an apology (personally, to Stupak) and an excuse that is both not an excuse and also factually incorrect, and in less than 24 hours can be claiming to have done something incredibly brave and noble on behalf of the American people, and nobody beats him with a two by four.And while I'm familiar with the classical origins of the phrase, I wonder what the odds are that Neugebauer and his supporters are aware of what spade is being called a spade.

There are thousands of different ways we could abandon our ridiculous Puritan heritage of shame, and this is what we go with? Thanks, morons. Thorons.

*This joke would have been a lot funnier if any actual news organizations still bothered paying Medved to review shit, but we work with what we have.