Skip The Soup, Go Straight To The Nuts

« March 2010 »

Memo to Johnny Dossey, Kyle Olson & Stephen Johnson, YOU ARE NUTS.

Not every stupid, crazy motherfucker in America can get elected to Congress so that they can wave the health care bill around, call it an abortion, and blame it on demons. Some people go about their crazy... relatively quietly, in their small corner of the world, emerging briefly to flame out in a brief blaze of glory and make us laugh. Today, we'll take a tour of these nutjob sons-of-bitches, just as an end-of-week palate cleanser for the non-stop health-care hypocritical bullshit punditry. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

We start with a trailer park in Florida.

Oh, you want more? I suppose you have a point. It's just that once I'd written "trailer park in Florida", I felt a sense of peace and completeness wash over me, as if, through simplicity, I had achieved a zen state of polemical oneness. OK. So in a trailer park in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, lived one Johnny Dossey. A man who, if photographs accompanying news stories can be believed, is sixty percent forehead. Seriously. It's like some kind of cruel joke where God gives a hick the bone structure of a super-intelligent alien being, but doesn't actually fill it with brains.

And I can tell he's not a super-intelligent alien because, according to police reports, he set his mobile home on fire. Because he was very, very upset. With a $70 water bill. It must have been an act of rage, rather than insurance fraud, because I'm guessing the payout would have only been about $32.50. But the best part of the whole thing is the Miami Herald's description of the statement by police spokeswoman Kathy Collins:

"Dossey may have been intoxicated at the time, Collins said." Again, having seen his picture, I'm guessing he was intoxicated pretty much all the time. Either that, or he was hung up on the ancient elemental opposition of fire and water, and was making a poignant statement about the forces of nature. You make the call.

Let it not be said that Big Government blogger Kyle Olson does not idolize his sugar daddy, Andy Breitbart. Breitbart, as you recall, is famous for flipping out and flipping off a group of people he thought were anti-war protesters, only to learn that they were opposing children forced into becoming soldiers. Olson pulls the same trick, only on the Internet, where there are no flag-draped balconies to add extra irony. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I thought it was odd that Robert Gibbs was wearing a purple bracelet (and a purple tie) during his appearance on 'Fox News Sunday' and CBS’ 'Face The Nation.' The bracelet is kind of a signal to tell [union leader Andy] Stern that the administration has it under control and ObamaCare will be delivered. Just a few more Democrats need to be shown the Chicago way. Am I making too much out of nothing? Maybe. Who knows."

I love the caveat at the end. "I may be talking out of my ass here, but since it is impossible to truly find anything out by looking into it, I will just say it in an accusatory a manner as possible and the readers of this site, who have keen critical faculties honed from years of Larry The Cable Guy specials, will eat it up, and defend me even after I'm proven embarrassingly wrong."

Which is what happened when it turned out Gibbs was wearing a fairly common purple cancer-support bracelet on behalf of a nine-year-old girl - the daughter of a couple Gibbs is friends with. Good thing the girl's only nine. Two years later and Olson's crowd would be attacking her as a Kool-Aid drinking shill of the Obama majoritarian tyrancy.

And what would a national tour of crazy be without a stop in Texas? Specifically, Dallas; more specifically, the Dallas County Jail, which until recently employed Stephen Johnson, who for the past seventeen years stayed within the genteel boundaries of what was acceptable behavior for a Texas prison guard. To give you an impression of just what horror lies beyond that, here is a snippet from his own defense, via the Dallas Morning News.

"In a sworn statement, Johnson denied saying he supported slavery while noting that "slavery is a fact in the Bible." He also said he couldn't recall saying that whites are the superior race. In the statement, Johnson offered an opinion about the origin of dinosaurs."

He also, like Miss Neither-Beverly-Nor-Hills, believes that gays should be put to death, but says that belief doesn't cause him to treat gays differently. Charming fellow. A veritable yellowed hose of Texas. But wait, did I tease his opinion on the origin of dinosaurs, just so that I could close with it as is, sans comment, because any comment I could possibly make would be superfluous? I believe I did.

"I believe that all dinosaurs were born of Satanic angel who has sex with woman and the animal kingdom that created ungodly reptilian creatures none of these were on the Ark."

OK, one comment. We really, really need to stop using their textbooks.