Beauty And The Number Of The Beast

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Memo to Lauren Ashley, Richard Burr, and Brit Hume: YOU ARE DUMB.

Holy shit! It's been eight days since you've had your three snack-sized portions of dumbfuckitude. I can only imagine how starved you must be for bold and italics. Well, let me rip out the bag and hand out a few sweet Fruitcake Roll-Ups. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"The Bible says that marriage is between a man and a woman. In Leviticus it says, ‘If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.’ The Bible is pretty black and white. I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone, and he has the best for everyone. If he says that having sex with someone of your same gender is going to bring death upon you, that’s a pretty stern warning, and he knows more than we do about life." - Lauren Ashley, California beauty pageant contestant.

Now, news stories call her "Miss Beverly Hills 2010", but that's only true in the same way Sam Wurzelbacher is both named Joe and a plumber. She's competing in the 2010 Miss California pageant. She's from Pasadena. She's saying she's from Beverly Hills. But Beverly Hills says there's no such thing as a "Miss Beverly Hills", and I suppose they would know.

Now, I won't bore Ashley by asking her how many people she's stoned to death outside of Red Lobster, because Bible-junkie homophobes have never given a shit about the rest of Leviticus before, and expecting a logical epiphany from a self-proclaimed "Miss Beverly Hills" is like expecting a drop of rain on the moon. It'd be lovely if it happened, but that doesn't mean you should pack an umbrella.

What I will say is this. If that is truly what you believe, and I can't imagine why you would say that if it doesn't, then you either think we should be executing gay people, and should therefore move to Uganda where I hear that kind of thing is in vogue, or you think that God will pass judgment on gay people so that we don't have to, in which case your opposition to gay marriage (the context for the above statement) is wildly inconsistent and illogical. Shocker, considering the source, I know.

"I believe there should be a federal safety net... [but] is the government now creating hobos?" - orth Carolina congressman Richard Burr, arguing against the extension of unemployment benefits."

You may be wondering if Richard Burr is stupid or evil. The answer, as always, is both. He is not, as it may sound, suggesting that patchy-clothed itinerant rail-riders are picking up their unemployment checks and stuffing them into their makeshift rucksacks while playing the harmonica. That would be ridiculous.

No, what he's suggesting is that since the longer people are out of work, the tougher it is for them to find a job, that the government shouldn't extend unemployment benefits, because then the lazy bastards won't be motivated to get jobs, and will thus become hoboes* when the money runs out. This, of course, makes perfect sense, as long as you both completely misunderstand the statistic about the relationship between time unemployed and chances at future employment, and subscribe to the Republican worldview that only lazy people don't have jobs even when their rich friends blow up the fucking economy and steal all the money.

"Now look, I think, because I’m a Christian and I believe that Christianity is true, that Tiger Woods and his wife Elin would be a lot farther down the road toward forgiveness and redemption if they were both Christians, but they’re not. And I – they’re going to do the best they can with what they have. And I wish Tiger Woods well. - Brit Hume, picking at a scab.

Since Tiger Woods will be playing golf again, on account of golf and adultery having no tangible connection beyond the former often being a cover story for the latter, I thought this would be a good time to revisit the heady days after Woods' mandatory contrition press conference, and wonder why nobody's mandating that Brit Hume show some fucking contrition.

I actually find this mealy-mouthed, passive-aggressive bullshit more offensive than the thing Hume said the first time, which was basically that Buddhists are fucked during public scandals because they can't hide behind Jesus in public. Except he said it all piously and self-righteously. "They're going to do the best with what they have"? Fuck you, all the way down the Eightfold Path with a nine-iron. Give me the batshit intolerant ravings of a Miss Beverly Hills any day over your brand of smite-me-with-kindness Christianity.

*Both my spellcheck and the news sources that quoted Burr prefer the e-less plural, but fuck them, that looks awful, and I will not stand for it in my own words when the other one is also valid.