Finishing Strong

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Memo to too many people to list: YOU ARE DUMB.

I've spent most of Thursday blinded by pupils more dilated than Octomom, which means that long-form analysis is completely out of the question, and instead, it's time to crank out a SUPER SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY II: CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION!A North Carolina lawmaker wants to put Ronald Reagan on the $50. A South Carolina lawmaker wants to eliminate federal currency entirely. Wrestlemania 26 is less than a month away. JUST SAYING.


Hey, remember last September, when I and every other nose-breathing organism who cared to pay attention was saying that then Virginia gubernatorial candidate Bob McDonnell was a rabid anti-gay wingnut who disavowed the thesis he wrote at age 34 just to get elected? And then he got elected? Guess what?

One of the first things he did after taking office was rewrite the previous governor's anti-discrimination executive order, which used to specifically mention sexual preference as something you couldn't discriminate against. Guess what it doesn't specifically mention anymore? Gee, I wonder why that could be. It's almost as if he were disavowing his anti-gay thesis just to get elected. But that's OK. Keep on ignoring us and get a chuckle out of Sarah Palin on Jay Leno. I'm sure only a few lives will be ruined.


David Petraeus has requested that the Iraq War's name be changed from "Operation Iraqi Freedom" to "Operation New Dawn"*, under the assumption that in a few years, a whole bunch of kids will be eligible to join up, and will mistake the Iraq War for a new Twilight book.**


Dick Cheney lied about everything. I was going to say something clever about how Cheney said he'd be vindicated on torture by some memos, and then the memos either didn't vindicate him or didn't come out? Well, it turns out that investigators looked at one of the memos that didn't come out, and guess what? It fudged dates to make it look like torture worked. But fuck it. Dick Cheney lies about everything and he shoots old men in the face. Those two facts will serve you in every single dealing you may have with the former vice president.


And finally, I'd like to extend a hearty "thank you" to the California State Senate, whose complete and utter dysfunction prevented them from passing a resolution declaring this past week a "Cuss Free Week". And while I applaud McKay Hatch's civic involvement - he's the presumably swirlie-prone president of the South Pasadena High School No Cussing Club - I would remind him that there are all kinds of social restrictions that students live under that we fully formed adults don't need. At all.

And by the way: cuntbuckets.

* Not a joke.

** Joke with just enough truth in it to make us all slightly uncomfortable.