Our Barter, Who Art In Texas

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Memo to a portion of San Antonio: YOU ARE NOT DUMB.

But odds are, if you look around, you're gonna see some stupid-ass motherfuckers. Just sayin'.

Until recently, I knew a total of two things about San Antonio. The first is that there is, or was, an actual, or an apocryphal, restaurant called Tacoland in beautiful, downtown, San Antonio, Texas. And the second thing was the Alamo. But now I can add an exciting third fact to that list - that, when conditions are right, and magic is in the air, you can bring a Bible to San Antonio and get bush in return. And not the usual kind of crappy Bush we're all too used to getting from Texas, either.

Basically, you have to show up at the University of Texas San Antonio, and you have to do it only when that fine university's atheist student group is trolling the faithful. You see, for a few years now, Atheist Agenda has been running a "Smut For Smut" campaign, which pokes fun at the more unsavory portions of the Bible and other religious texts by allowing folks to exchange them for porno mags. Some say this is tasteless and offensive, but I would remind these people that, not too long ago, Kirk Cameron handed out a bunch of Jesified copies of Origin of Species on campuses nationwide, and other than laughing at them, we atheists didn't say shit.

And they were handing them out! To get porn from the UTSA atheists, you had to actually walk up to them, hand them a Bible, and only then were you handed porn in return. To match the tastelessness of Cameron's stunt, they would have had to actually hand out porn pamphlets to students exiting church. Luckily for me, in Texas, the fact that it was both designed to offend and not all that offensive in reality didn't stop people from freaking the fuck out. And since I'm in a ripe mood to mock some godly hick stupidity today, enjoy these choice comments, mainly from the comments to the story on the San Antonio Express web site.

"I saw it on the news on Friday. I came out on Saturday, but they weren’t out here. I wanted to call up some homeboys and be like ‘hey dawg, I wanna go up there and take care of it real quick.’ But, because I’m saved and I gave my life to Christ in 2007, I don’t live like that anymore.” - Adam Zepada, from another college, quoted in the UTSA student paper's story. Now, if I'm parsing Zepada's 1996-vintage hip-hop slang correctly, he's saying that if he hadn't found Jesus, he would have rounded up a bunch of dudes to kick atheist ass. But if he hadn't found Jesus, he wouldn't be so offended by atheists that he'd WANT to kick their ass. Apparently Jesus saved Adam from having to understand the relationship between cause and effecct.

"PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING TO justifty their SIN. Most athiest believe that way because they don't want to cotemplate dying in their sin and perishing in HELL. Even the most FAMOUS athiest have said there probably is a God... they said those words as they were dying. I encourage all the SKEPTICS to read the bible as a HISTORY book, not as a religous text. It will open your eyes." - bharris. Ah, yes, speaking of apocryphal, we have the old Atheist Deathbed Confessional story rearing its ugly head. Even if deathbed conversions were real, unless the atheists were actually seeing God as they approached death, they'd actually support the idea that a lot of religion stems from stark raving terror about death and the unknown. But religion has always determined correctness by number of adherents, I guess.

"You can look at the members of this group and know why they do not believe in God. I myself question why God would create such pitiful souls." - truth_search. Man, this person is so close to being an atheist! They claim to be searching for the truth, which is a good start. They're questioning their faith, which is an important next step. All they need, apparently, is some plastic surgery to give their features that classically atheist look. Which, by the way, I'm told some women find irresistible.

"Why in the world is THIS getting so much coverage in the news when all of the muslim intrusions into the academic life of UTSA students is NOT??? Yes, it is a stupid stunt, but ultimately harmless and easily ignored! Most of the student comments were poking fun at them rather than treating them as a serious interest group." - La Noye. This one cracks me up so hard. "Guys, cut it out! You're directing your mindless, bigoted hatred toward the wrong group! You're playing right into the caliphate's plans!"

"I wonder if the UTSA students involved realize they have been noticed by prominent business leaders? Good luck landing a decent job after graduation!" - KrazyKarl. Yeah, good luck -needing- a job after graduation after a couple of sweet religious discrimination lawsuits, dumbass. I mean, it's not as lucrative as the think-tank sugar daddy Young Republicans get after their political stunts, but hey, any port in a storm, right?

"okay...this was a gimmick i get it but porn is the wrong thing to hand out. why? it's addictive. there are tens of thousands of people (mostly male but a few female) who have a warped idea of relationships based on how they see porn relationships working. i'm not saying not to ban porn...i'm saying using porn for such a gimmick is a terrible idea." - Forrest Fortrees, whose marginally clever name is ruined by a capital letters fail, a double negative fail, and an apparent assumption that porn shows "relationships" that people emulate, instead of just the shaved pubes and the ass-slappage.

"God's word is truth and power! These measly little people will not succeed against his truth. The funny thing about "atheist" is there is no way around it, they were created by God. They are living and breathing only because God. No way around it. Romans 14:11 For it is written , As I live, saith they Lord , every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue confess to God." - guess who? That's the username, but I'm going to guess who anyway. I'm guessing an overly emphatic praisemonger who is way too enamored of the phrase "no way around it" and thinks that one Bible verse trumps millions of years of biology.

"It appears to be disguised antisemitism and pro-abortion politics. These atheist are another hate movement dressed in dirty liberty garb. They are another voice of hate using the empowering words from our constitution to disguise their intentions targeting specific groups. Atheism = genocide!" - mithawts. Mithawts is taking a stand against atheist genocide... BUT SHOULD HE?

"It's not funny that this group is pulling this stunt. To mock Christianity by replacing the bible with porn is like shooting someone for peeing on your car. I wonder how many of these atheists have actually read the bible and made decisions for themselves whether or not it is real rather than drinking the atheist cool-aid and basing their beliefs (or lack thereof) on what they were told. Before you go slamming the bible, how about giving it a read first." - fat city. What is it with people and awful analogies? Did none of you people take the SATs as children? Is the Bible the car or the gun? I can't even match verbs and nouns. Also, whoever it is in San Antonio who keeps peeing on fat city's car, keep up the good work.

"Atheist people are the most unhappy people I have ever met in my life. I guess they try to bring others down with them to join in their misery : (" - angelmommy. Um, I don't know how to tell you this, but the reason all the atheists you meet are miserable is that they're being forced to spend time with someone who calls herself ANGEL MOMMY and uses frowny faces to bitch out atheists. It's not a lack of God that makes them unhappy, it's an excess of you.