« March 2010 »

Memo to Newt Gingrich, Andy Breitbart, and Frank Gaffney: YOU ARE DUMB.

As a strong proponent of both strong proponentarianism and Wednesdarianism, I have decided, in the spirit of philosopharianism, to develop an entirely new feature in the realm of rantarianism. It should bring about a new era of hilarianism, and it's so completely and utterly unprecedented you will marvel at its fresharianism. I call it IDIOTARIANS EXPRESS THINGARIANISMS IN THE MANNER OF DAMNATIONARIANISM!

"Well, I think that what you’re seeing is a Chicago machine politics approach that basically says, if we can run over you and mug you, then we’re going to get away with it. And I think what they don’t understand is that this is not Chicago. That the United States is not going to tolerate a group of people trying apply kind of a Hugo Chavez majoritarian rule in the Senate." - Newt Gingrich, on Hannity.

You've almost got to admire them, both for sheer gall and for their ability to not worry about how stupid they might sound outside their target audience. Here we have Newt pulling out an obscure form of the word "majority", because the three extra syllables make it sound more alien and threatening. And yet, innately sensing that it's simply not threatening enough, pairs it with a right-wing boogeyman in a bit of wingnut Mad Libs.

The end result is a hideous coinage that manages to simultaneously make no sense, be geopolitically incorrect, if you will, and also be a complete fucking lie. Hugo Chavez majoritarian! How does Obama not just fucking snap when he hears stuff like this? Or at least dish out some backroom punishment every time some Republican asshole makes up a new way of dog-whistling "negro President" to the unwashed hordes? Which, ignoring his wordsmithing for a second, is exactly what Gingrich was doing when he warned that Obama was going to mug America.

"Hello to anyone that thinks that I was misleading. I did not know that there was a discrepancy between the title sequence -- I didn't think it was significant. I saw the videos. I read the transcripts to make sure that there was continuity, and my only mistake -- and I've admitted it to Brad, I've admitted it, now that I now know about it -- is that there is a title sequence and it doesn't reflect what he was wearing when he was in there. But he still represented himself as a pimp." - Andrew Breitbart, interviewed at CPAC by blogger Mike Stark.

I would be woefully remiss if I didn't find some way to mention the latest twist in the Breitbart/O'Keefe/ACORN clusterfuck. Back when the ACORN story broke, it was widely reported and believed by most outlets, myself included, that the pimp and ho' costumes that James O'Keefe and Hannah Giles wore in the videos and on Fox News were what they wore inside the ACORN offices. Well, upon closer examination, that's not the case at all. And this was confirmed by the Brooklyn police, who had access to the unedited footage. Not only did O'Keefe not dress as a pimp, he didn't represent himself as a pimp to ACORN. Just a friend helping a prostitute leave the street life.

In other words, crazy people who obviously should not be trusted under any circumstances are, after months of investigations, a media frenzy, and congressional action to punish ACORN for the crazy people's findings, finally revealed to be crazy people who obviously should not be trusted under any circumstances. Or, in other other words, we're going to need a third chalkboard to keep tallying up the times we were right, you were wrong, and you didn't fucking listen.

"A just-unveiled symbolic action suggests, however, that something even more nefarious is afoot… Team Obama’s anti-anti-missile initiatives are not simply acts of unilateral disarmament of the sort to be expected from an Alinsky acolyte. They seem to fit an increasingly obvious and worrying pattern of official U.S. submission to Islam and the theo-political-legal program the latter’s authorities call Shariah… the new MDA shield appears ominously to reflect a morphing of the Islamic crescent and star with the Obama campaign logo… Watch this space as we identify and consider various, ominous and far more clear-cut acts of submission to Shariah by President Obama and his team." - Frank Gaffney, writing for Drunken Andy B's Big Government blog.

They changed the logo of the Missile Defense Agency.

The old logo had the Earth, a swooping missile trail, and a star-shaped explosion. The new version looks more modern, with the Earth as a stylized blue circle with an offset cutout, the missile trail being a broad red swoop, and the explosion being even larger and starrier.

The above quote is the conclusion insane man Frank Gaffney got paid by insane man Andrew Breitbart to reach.

This is why I charmingly refer to these smeg-trails as crazy people who should not be trusted under any circumstances. Because they think a bog-standard logo modernization is a sign that Barack Obama is submitting the United States to Sharia law. And people listen to them, because, well, Barack Obama is black, and they don't like that very much.