Noticed And Burned

« January 2010 »

Memo to the Phony Phour: YOU ARE DUMB.

As I mentioned briefly yesterday, the worst pimp in the history of pimping has been arrested. James O'Keefe, famous for putting a hat and fur vest on over his work clothes and asking ACORN employees for advice on camera, was busted along with three of his cohorts in what the FBI is claiming was an attempt to "tamper" with the telephone system of Democrat Mary Landrieu.

By itself, that would be the funniest thing that's happened all year. O'Keefe's alleged ACORN "expose" was one of the dumbest news stories of 2009. I mean, even if the heavily edited videotapes were accurate, what they showed wasn't particularly damning. But since the crazy people the press inexplicably listens to had been demonizing ACORN for the better part of a year, O'Keefe's lame pimp-and-ho sting got huge play and Congressional intervention.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

But as glorious as O'Keefe's arrest is, and as much as it restocks a nation's woefully depleted schadenfreude reserves, the fallout, over the course of the next day, was all the more glorious. First, O'Keefe lost his primo speaking gig at the Salt Lake County GOP fundraiser in Utah. And by "primo", I mean he probably only got the gig because Sam Not A Plumber Wurzelbacher didn't want to go to fucking Utah in fucking February.

Seriously, how shallow is the talent pool of famous conservatives that will bring people out to fundraising events? Palin, Bachmann, Wurzelbacher, and a fake pimp? I've seen boat shows with more star power than that even after the guy in the SpongeBob costume called in sick.

And then there's our good buddy Andrew Breitbart, the pimp of the pimp. A pimp's pimp, if you will. Breitbart made so much hay out of the O'Keefe pimpalogues that he launched two virtually identical blogs off of it within six months. How would he respond? His initial "James O'Keefe who?" was a bit anticlimactic and disingenuous, so I was glad to see he'd followed it up with the least self-aware headline in Big Blank history: "MSM Leaping to Conclusions — While Big Government Waits for Facts"

Is that really wise? I mean, I'd always assumed the reason none of the Big sites waited for facts in the past was that they simply didn't know what they looked like. So they could be waiting a really long time, while facts parade past their offices waving fact flags, holding up "We're Here, We're Facts, Get Used To It" signs, singing jaunty, improvised songs about how awesome facts are. All the while feeling proud of themselves for not jumping to conclusions for the first time in recorded history. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I’m sure they would like to believe O’Keefe is stupid enough to try to 'wiretap' a sitting U.S. senator in broad daylight during office hours, while recording the entire sequence of events on his cell phone camera. And they’d like you to believe it, too. But there is absolutely no allegation in the criminal complaint that 'wiretapping' or 'bugging' is any part of this case, just the charge that O’Keefe and the others entered Sen. Landrieu’s office in New Orleans 'for the purpose of interfering with the office’s telephone system.'"

Breitbart is, of course, technically correct. Well, on the wiretapping thing. The MSM doesn't have to "believe" that James O'Keefe is stupid. They've seen what he thinks a pimp looks like. They KNOW he's stupid. But he is correct about the affidavit. I mean, he leaves some stuff out. Like how two of the conservacrew dressed in denim, fluorescent vests, and hard hats.

And how they talked the receptionists into letting them mess with the handset. And how they tried to pretend the handset was broken. And then they talked them into getting into the telephone closet before someone asked them for ID and they were busted. Since they didn't get to do anything, the unspecified "interfering" is the only verb law enforcement is comfortable using.

But. We've all watched Burn Notice. Or Leverage. Or Ocean's Eleven. Or any number of other shows and movies involving capers, spycraft, and inappropriate access to telephone systems. And clearly, the Phony Phour have watched them too, because they assumed all they needed for a successful infiltration were costumes, patter, and of course, being the good guys. And so they failed, with a score of one out of three, before doing whatever it was they came to do.

And, to be fair, since it's eminently possible that James O'Keefe is stupid enough to wiretap a senator and film the attempt, it's also entirely possible that James O'Keefe is even stupider, and went through all the motions of attempting to wiretap a senator and film the attempt, without ACTUALLY bringing a wiretap and hooking it up. There's more evidence to support this theory, in fact, because of his three cohorts, at least two of them have tapped a lot more kegs in their lives than phone systems.

Case in point: Stan Dai, whose role is unclear because he wasn't wearing a ridiculous costume, spent his college years writing a sexist conservative parody, "The Penis Monologues". Stay classy, Stan. One of the phone repairmen, Joe Basel, spends all his time on Facebook bragging about his chances of scoring with one of Scott Brown's "available" daughters. If any of these douchewaffles had access to a microphone small enough to fit in a phone receiver, they'd probably stuff it in their pants so that they could record their farts.

Breitbart reminds us all that "basic logic suggests that there’s much more to this story since there is so little information." Ignoring for the moment that Breitbart thinks "syllogism" is a Stalinist political philosophy, there's certainly enough information on O'Keefe and his Frat Pack to conclude at least two things - that they were up to no good, and that they really, really suck at being up to no good.