Putting The "Best" In "Bestiality

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Memo to Don Wildmon: YOUR STUPID IS STILL THE FUNNIEST STUPID.

To this day, I don't know how I ended up on the American Family Association's mailing list, but to this day, I am so glad that I did. Every headline is a glorious promise of insane overreaction. Not every promise is kept, of course, but sometimes, an awesomely stupid headline bears so much stupid fruit you could open a Dumba Juice stand. And so it was last week, with "Fox Network Inserts Bestiality Into Family Programming"

Just drink that in for a second. You have Fox, the two-headed hydra that is Rupert Murdoch's media empire - the news head using its silver tongue to orally please the Bible Belt on an hourly basis, and the entertainment head corrupting America with bad influences like Bart Simpson and Wanda Sykes. Then you have the verb choice: INSERTS. You can almost see the perversion penetrating the fragile innocence of America's children. Bestiality is ALWAYS FUNNY. And, of course, family programming.

That last one actually threw me a bit. FOX doesn't really have any family programming as such. They don't run a Saturday morning cartoon block anymore. None of their prime-time stuff qualifies, except maybe American Idol, now that Paula Abdul isn't undermining the entire "Just Say No" campaign on a weekly basis. But I'm pretty sure that if there were bestiality on American Idol, I'd have heard about it elsewhere. So what the fuck is the AFA talking about? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The Fox broadcast network featured bestiality on the program American Dad that aired over your public airwaves on Sunday night, January 3rd. But that's not the worst of it.

Oh, I see. "American Dad". They must have been fooled by the title. After all, the two things the AFA could only love more if a judge lifts the restraining order? America, and dads. Therefore, any show called "American Dad" must be a paragon of family wholesomeness, and not some pile of unfunny crap Seth Macfarlane spewed out after a bad burrito and sold to Fox as an animated series. Yep. Nothing on a show called "American Dad" could possibly be the slightest bit raunchy, which is why the AFA is not only shocked that it would be there, but has somehow determined that there's something even worse than animal fuckery in prime-time. And how is it worse?

"The network chose one of the most popular animated children's programs (according to the Parents Television Council) to spew their toxic perversion and sickening content. Keep in mind that this program's popularity ranges primarily from children 2-11 years old."

OK, first of all, that's not worse. That's the same thing. You said bestiality was included on American Dad, and then you said that's not the worst of it, and then you said that bestiality was included on American Dad. As for the rest of the sentence, as much as I fucking hate coming to the defense of "American Dad", the show airs at 9:30 p.m. Eastern, is rated TV-14, and comes third in an entire series of shitty adult animation that includes The Cleveland Show and Family Guy. Which means there's absolutely no way in hell there are ANY two-year-olds watching it. And certainly not enough to make up the show's primary popularity. Maybe they got age confused with IQ.

OK. So clearly, the AFA is fucked up concerning what constitutes "family programming". But still, if Fox is showing bestiality in a TV-14 show, that might be cause for concern for some sane people. So what actually happened in the episode? Luckily for us, the AFA provided both a video clip and an appropriately hyperbolic description:

"Roger has an injured arm, and tells Stan he must care for their racehorse. ROGER: "You're gonna have to do the horse chores...You have to brush the horse's coat and mane, water and feed it, then give it a full release. You know, give it a happy photo finish. Take the glue out of the factory. Spank his front butt. Grant him a bone loan!" Later, Stan strokes the horse's side. STAN: "Here we go. Just do me a favor and let me know when you're about to...you know." Stan bends down beneath the horse. The horse's eyes go wide with surprise and pleasure. Stan is shown with fluid spraying in his face, implying that the horse has ejaculated on Stan. The camera pulls back to reveal that Stan is washing himself off with a hose."

Have I mentioned that there is nothing in this world more perverted than bluenoses trying to clinically explain a filthy joke? "Stan is shown with fluid spraying in his face, implying that the horse has ejaculated on Stan" is the early frontrunner for most unintentionally hilarious sentence of 2010. What the video clip adds is an even clearer picture of the context and nature of the alleged "bestiality".

Basically, the point of the bit is that Roger tricks Stan into jerking off a horse. There's a bit, excised in the transcript, where Roger explains the clinical necessity of jerking off the horse (undermining AFA's point, because if it's clinical, it's not bestiality), and another bit at the end where Roger can't believe Stan actually jerked off the horse. Also, and I admit this is splitting hairs, but does jerking off a horse when you don't want to, and find the whole thing distasteful, really qualify as bestiality? In every instance of making the beast with a beast's back that I've covered here at YAD, the human participant has been willing, able, and seeking pleasure from the act. Which is clearly not the case here.

But I guess "FOX Network Implies Animal Sexual Gratification In Teen-Rated Adult Cartoon Show" doesn't make nearly as awesome a headline.