Body Language 101

« January 2010 »

Memo to Laurie B. Regan: YOU ARE DUMB.

Many people have pointed this out in the past, but if you're going to call your website "American Thinker", the people who write for that website should have at least two qualities - one tied deeply to nationality, and the other inextricably linked with cognition. And yet, time and time again, the last thing you could ever say about the writers for American Thinker is that they're inextricably linked with cognition.

For example, Laurie B. Regan, who came close to cognition once. Well, no. Technically, all Regan managed was to drive past the exit to the highway that heads toward Cognition. She then proceeded at full speed on her journey to Stupidtown. as evidenced by the probably totally fake story on American Thinker that I'm going to pretend happened anyway. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"This past week, I was having lunch at a restaurant in midtown Manhattan when my colleague noticed Al and Tipper Gore dining across the room with another couple. It was a frigid day, with record-breaking temperatures keeping most people indoors, and we were the last two tables in the restaurant."

Again, we're going to pretend this story is true, that everything happened just as Regan reports it. Since the article was posted on January 7, that means we have two established facts. First, that Regan and the Gores were in a Manhattan restaurant, and second, that it was cold in New York in January. Neither of these things are particularly implausible. But she continues.

"As the Gore party started walking out of the room, my colleague called out, "Hey, Al, how's all that global warming working out for you?" Gore turned around and stared at us with a completely dumbfounded look on his face. He was speechless. With a smile, my colleague repeated the question, again to a hapless look of dismay."

I actually don't find this part implausible either. I suspect Al Gore gets this a lot in the winter, because of the recurring theme amongst reptile-brain conservatives that global warming means that it will never snow or be cold anywhere ever, starting right now. I will even allow for "speechless", but with "hapless" and "dismay" we start getting into interpretation, and it's the interpretation part that makes Regan out to be a fucking imbecile. The tale continues.

"Finally, Gore mumbled under his breath, 'Wow, you sound awfully angry.' I responded with a thank you, explaining to him that we were actually extremely amused. The encounter concluded with Gore's friend mouthing a very animated 'f--- you' at us, and they skulked away. My only regret is that no one at the table asked Gore, 'What's the matter? The polar bear's got your tongue?'"

This has the ring of truth to it. Well, sort of. The part where all Regan does is listen to a lame zinger, back it up with some very vague rhetorical wingmanship, and then tell us the totally awesome line she would have delivered if she'd only thought of it at the time? Those are lameness-revealing details that an astute liar would leave out of the story or modify. So Regan is either not a liar, not astute, or both.

So what lesson did Regan take from this encounter? Aye, there's the rube. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The former Vice President, Nobel Prize laureate, and Academy Award-winning producer standing before us was a moron, unable to articulate a simple comeback to address all that he has stood for since leaving office. He could have simply ignored us and kept walking, as he does with reporters, but by stopping and standing there dumbstruck, he looked like a fool."

Now, it's not really my place to speak for the vice president, but in the spirit of scientific inquiry, allow me to propose a counter-theory. Al Gore is enjoying dinner with his wife on a cold day in New York, when some wag recognizes him and flings a variant on "COLD OUT HAR HAR YOUR LIFE BIG LIE" at him.

Now, as Al Gore, the most appropriate response to such a scenario is unavailable to him. Which is why Regan's friend didn't find himself or herself jacked up against the wall by the neck, getting repeatedly punched in the groin by Gore and a restaurant full of equally offended diners. And while I find this state of affairs incredibly disappointing, I can only imagine Gore himself finds it several orders of magnitude more so.

So he turns, and stares, and tries to figure out how these fucktards have even mastered the fork technology required to shovel food into their otherwise empty skulls, and the wag repeats it - because it's so stupid, saying it once would apparently be impossible. But since he's Al Gore, the second-most appropriate response to such a scenario is also unavailable to him. And that's why Regan's friend didn't find himself on the receiving end of a stream of shouted invective so strong it'd travel back in time and scare his grandmother into a nunnery, erasing him from the timestream.

Here's the deal. Your friend, Ms. Regan, shouted at someone to defend decades of global climate science because he happened to be sitting close to the door of a crowded restaurant, in January, and his feet were cold. That makes your friend a dick. And it makes you a dick, too. And when Al Gore stares at you like the idiots you are, mildly rebukes you, and walks away, that doesn't actually mean you won. It just means you're dicks.

And if you not only imagine that victory out of whole cloth, but use it as the basis to then conclude that Al Gore is a fool, Barack Obama is unfit to be President, Sarah Palin was unjustly maligned for being a moron, Bush was really smart, and the entire liberal movement is intellectually dishonest? And if you back up this fact by citing Robert Downey Jr.'s Sherlock Holmes? Then you are many, many things, but an American Thinker is not one of them.

And that's without getting into her whole Einstein story, which has all the sourcing of an urban legend with half the plausibility. Al Gore really should let your idiot ass drown.