The Dumbest Motherfuckers Of The Decade, Day One

« December 2009 »

Memo to those who fought the good fight: THANK YOU.

This week, I'm succumbing to listomania, and rounding up the Dumbest Motherfuckers Of The Decade. Each day will bring a new category, and each category will have five entrants. And yes, the list will be heavily weighted toward the years You Are Dumb Dot Net has been in existence, but tough shit, 2002.

The first day is a bit odd, though, because none of these are dumb motherfuckers. Today, I'm going to talk about the five greatest victories against The Dumb in this decade. I'm starting out with the positive, because I'm a cynic, and cynics always end on the negative.

#5: The Release Of “The Aristocrats”

The Aristocrats is a very important documentary. At least it is to me, which means it's important to YAD, which means it's important to the universe. The Aristocrats is a very, very intelligent movie about a very vulgar, and fairly stupid, joke. This makes it ideal testing material.

People fall into three basic categories when it comes to The Aristocrats. People who see its value and love it, people who understand that it can have value even though they can't personally stomach the content, and people who think the content automatically disqualifies it from having value. People in that third category are fools and morons and should not be bothered with. They are bluenoses. And there's more good news about them

#4: The Wane Of The Bluenoses

The very existence of The Aristocrats, or Adult Swim, or hundreds of other examples, proves that the bluenoses have lost most of their power. And that's because of the explosion in diversity when it comes to sources of information. This gives us two wonderful things.

Wonderful thing the first is niche programming. Media companies can take chances with content that appeals to a tiny fraction of the audience, which means Joe Average is no longer dictating what I get to watch. And thank fuck for that, because Joe Average tends to watch some horrible piles of crap.

And the second wonderful thing is that there's more stuff on TV than there are media watchdogs getting their panties in a bunch. And when they do contort their underthings into non-Euclidean shapes about something, the audience for the outrage is smaller and smaller. Adam Lambert's facehumping is proof that we'll never see the likes of the Janet Jackson Nipple Frenzy again, and we're all the better for it.

#3: The Election Of Barack Obama

While the actual presidency of Barack Obama has been a bit of a clusterfuck, there's no denying that his election was, literally, a victory against dumb. Because John McCain selected dumb as his running mate, hired dumb to run his campaign, and his sole strategy was to appeal to dumb people and hope there were enough of them to put him over the top.

And there weren't.

The Republicans appealed to the worst and the stupidest in all of us, begging us to decide the election based on color, middle names, fake religions, choice of pastor, and coexisting on the board of a reputable organization with a dude who got in trouble in the 60's. And we cordially invited them to go fuck themselves and elected the first black president of the US. Clear win for the forces of good there.

#2: The Rise Of Google

It's possible that I will regret this pick ten years from now, when we all work as emaciated slaves in Google's data mines. But right now, Google is consistently advancing the flow of information in the world (OK, most of the world. OK, they've pulled some questionable shit in China. But I'm talking on average here.) in ways that improve life.

Or they're buying up companies that do that, and making sure they still do it. The point is, their shit works, and their motives, at least for now, seem like an ideal of benevolent capitalism. And just imagine what your time on the Internet would be like now if Yahoo or MSN had come out on top? I shudder to contemplate. I'd almost rather end up in the data mines.

#1: The Dover Decision

December 20, 2005. Tammy Kitzmiller, et. al., v. Dover Area School District. The judicial decision that knocked creationist assholes right on their creationist assholes, and they're still struggling to get up, four years later.

I mean, seriously. The best they can do is have Kirk Cameron hand out free copies of an adulterated Origin of Species, four years after Dover. And the reason that's the best they can do is that Dover put a mercy bullet in the head of Intelligent Design, by ruling that ID is Creationism, and since you can't teach creationism in schools, you can't teach ID in schools either. Bang, zoom, back to the primordial ooze from whence you refuse to admit you came.

There will always be creationists. No court ruling can change that. But the Dover decision ensures that, at the very least, the government won't be coerced into churning out more of them. And I can't think of a bigger victory against dumb than that.