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You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
The End Of The Innocence
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Memo to Sarah Palin, James Cameron, and Margaret Hemenway: YOU ARE THE LAST IDIOTS OF 2009.
There can be only three! For the last regular Wednesday of 2009, I had to select just three IDIOTS who have SAID THE DAMNDEST THING as the decade draws to a close. It might have been tricky, poring through dozens of quotes, arduously selecting the best three, but luckily, I'm lazy, and went with Palin, titties, and bigotry.
"NOW w/the Prez "threatening" &Congress "rushing" is when we MUST pay more attention than ever 2what this HealthCare Takeover is all about... ...merged bill may b unrecognizable from what assumed was a done deal:R death panels back in?what's punishment 4not purchasing mandated HC?" - Two tweets from Sarah Palin.
No, really. This woman "wrote" a "book".
People who don't understand words shouldn't use Twitter. People who don't understand Twitter shouldn't use Twitter. Therefore, under no circumstances should Sarah Palin be allowed to use Twitter. If you're going to spread your - for want of a better term I will use the dreadfully inaccurate word "thoughts" - if you're already willing to spread your thoughts over two tweets, why not spread them over three tweets, and use all 420 characters to avoid the NINE crimes against the English language she committed?
Also, you can stop with the death panels bullshit now - they're probably the only shitty thing that was never in the health reform bill, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it from becoming law now. Especially your legions of barely-literate Twitter followers.
"Most of men’s problems with women probably have to do with realizing women are real and most of them don’t look or act like Vampirella. A big recalibration happens when we’re forced to deal with real women, and there’s a certain geek population that would much rather deal with fantasy women than real women. Let’s face it: Real women are complicated. You can try your whole life and not understand them... Right from the beginning I said, “She’s got to have tits,” even though that makes no sense because her race, the Na’vi, aren’t placental mammals. I designed her costumes based on a taparrabo, a loincloth thing worn by Mayan Indians. We go to another planet in this movie, so it would be stupid if she ran around in a Brazilian thong or a fur bikini like Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C. - James Cameron, in an interview with Playboy.
Now, I like James Cameron. And I plan to see Avatar. And I know he's speaking to Playboy, which long ago spent any street cred it may have earned by printing essays between airbrushed bushes in the 60's. But come the fuck on. You parse these answers out, and he's essentially saying that his attention to detailed world building extends to what kind of clothing the half-naked cat alien wears, but that he made sure to give the half-naked cat woman titties because the nerds he's depending on for box office gold love imaginary titties.
Still, I suppose if anyone in the world is qualified to have a sloppy three-way with the normally combative art and commerce, it's the man who made sure we saw Kate Winslet's nipples in "Titanic".
"After our daughter’s revelation, we lodged a complaint with Chancellor Rhee’s office, requesting an investigation, and asking what department in the DC Government we can appeal to for restoration of our child’s sense of innocence?" - Washington D.C. parent Margaret Hemenway.
On a completely unrelated note, gay marriage is about to become legal in Washington D.C. Oh, did I cay completely unrelated? I believe I meant utterly fucking relevant.
Hemenway's daughter's "revelation" was that her first-grade teacher announced that she would be getting married. To another woman. And offered to answer any questions her class might have. That's it. Teachers get married all the time. Teachers get pregnant all the time. Teachers tell their class about it all the time. And if there are gay teachers, then gay teachers will be talking about their gay marriages and gay pregnancies. That's life.
But in the bigoted eyes of the Hemenways of the world, every single thing a gay person does in public is both sexual and political. And it's the wrong kind of sex and politics, to boot. Here's a bonus quote from Hemenway's complaint:
"Since homosexual activists cannot reproduce their own children, recruitment to their cause (especially at a young age, before parents have raised such sensitive and controversial topics with their children) is essential to the political agenda of promoting homosexuality and 'gay' marriage."
See? Classic fuckhead. Let's all hope for two events in the tortured future of Margaret Hemenway: that the school district politely tells her to fuck right off back to her fortress of straightitude, and that in this case, the recruitment is successful, and Daughter Hemenway grows up to be a happily married lesbian.