You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Better Living Through Pigfuckery
Memo to Texan Troglodytes: YOU ARE DUMB.
If you're anything like me, you've been watching the health care reform clusterfuck with a jaded eye and stooped shoulders. Especially when it comes to Joe Lieberman. Basically, Obama and Harry Reid are in the inexplicable and unenviable position of a "happy ending" masseuse who, after two hours, still haven't finished with their honorable customer from Connecticut. Every fifteen minutes or so, he gives a bit of advice - that if they just twist a certain way, he'll finally be satisfied. And they twist, and they turn, and they tug, and fifteen minutes later all they've gotten for their troubles is an aching bicep and another convoluted hoop to jump through.
And again, if you're anything like me, there's only one thing that can cheer you up after weeks of watching Democrats indulge in their natural inclination to capitulate to special interests in the guise of moderatitude and bipartisanshit. And that's to point and laugh at some serious-ass right-wing caveman freak-out. Luckily, over the weekend, Houston elected an openly gay mayor. Annise Parker emerged victorious despite a last-minute push by conservatives to keep her from being elected solely because of her sexual orientation. The news of which was posted to ultraconservative news site One News Now, who helpfully provide a comments section where people can post unsigned, undated, untimed pure text drivel for me to laugh at. ACTUAL QUOTES TIME!
"Evil will only prevail when good people sit and do nothing! No one voted... and who gets voted in?" - This quote seemed to be a popular one amongst the Nohomo Noerectus in the comments. It's a reference to the low turnout in the race, due largely to the contest being both non-partisan and between two avowed Democrats with almost no policy differences. Except that one of them was evil because she likes to fuck other women.
"A Christian agenda is not to push Christianity on anyone but to preserve our Judeo-Christian heritage and to govern for a strong value-driven country where the blessings of God WOULD flow upon it paving the way for success, prosperity, peace and happiness! To honor our true culture and heritage and our God-given constitution. That would be a true Christian driven-agenda! To puruse honesty and integrity throughout corporations and government! When an agenda is just for one group of people it is a disaster!"
We need a new word. An illiterate is someone who can neither read nor write. What do you call someone who can write, but who clearly can't read? Who clearly cannot read what they write, even? "Semi-literate" doesn't cut it, because the general meaning of that is only being half-competent at both skills. This person starts their tirade by claiming that a "Christian agenda" doesn't push anything on non-Christians, and ends by saying a Christian agenda would be for all groups of people, not just Christians. So when Christians think it'd be fabulous if everyone, Christian and non-Christian alike, lived by Christian rules, that's not an agenda. But when one mayor of one city happens to be a lesbian, that's an unacceptable imposition of the homosexual agenda. Genius!
"This is unfortunate for the city of Houston, as she will make cuts to the Police and Fire departments. If we remember only weeks ago it was flying that All marriages in Texas were illegal due to wording in the amendment to stop same sex marriage attempts in Texas, now they have opened the door. As for the hypocrite comments, Christians are not trying to stop you from saying or watching what you want, just trying to keep it so that we can continue to live and raise our children as we believe is appropriate by our beliefs."
Make some goddamned sense already. Is her lesbianity going to make her cut police and firemen? Because if not, then her opponent would have done the same thing. If so, then I'd love to know the mechanism by which that works. Also, it's not the fault of the gay community that, in your haste to outlaw all you find icky, your moron state legislature accidentally invalidated straight marriage with their clumsy language. Not that a court is ever going to rule that way. And even if they did, they wouldn't be looking to the newly-elected gay mayor of Houston to help make that decision, so I don't know what "door" was "opened" here.
And go ahead, keep raising your children to be hateful bigots all you want. Just don't expect us to make sure the rest of the world reinforces that bigotry for your convenience.
"It's too bad America doesn't realize that character counts and there will be consequences for electing homosexuals, especially affecting children and education as well as workplace regulations that could discriminate against religious organizations and individuals, not to mention the mitigating of public health measures designed to reign in on AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases and their associated activities."
Man, is my face going to be red when the gay Houston mayor turns all the kids gay, fires all the Christians, and gives everyone AIDS, proving this poster 100% correct about the consequences of electing someone of Annise Parker's character.
"To bad now they have their foot in the door!!!" They've opened the door AND stuck their foot in it? Once again, I'm not sure what door a gay mayor in Houston opens, or sticks a foot in. Except maybe a gay mayor in Austin. I'm pretty sure that door is still firmly shut in Dallas.
"Shame on Houston. How are we going to preserve family values if they go in the direction that they have chosen. Sin is sin and they will be made to answer for it - why are you chosing to sin be accepting their sin. God calls us to love the sinner while condemning the sin. You cannot endorse someone that is flaunting their sin and remain blameless before God."
There you have it, folks. Anyone who casts a vote for a known sinner will not remain blameless before God, which is code for GOING TO HELL. On a totally unrelated note, Tom Delay was re-elected to the House of Representatives from Texas ten times.
"I live here and voted against her and it sickens me to know that so many people here are just plain lazy and let the gay agenda once again take over. I am ashamed to call Houston home. If someone lives a deceptive lifestyle then how can we trust them to do anything decent without a good moral compass. Wake up people!!! it is slipping away fast!"
Now being gay isn't just a lifestyle, an unhealthy lifestyle, and an immoral lifestyle... it's a deceptive lifestyle? I'd love to know how Mr. Ashamed To Call Houston Home was deceived by a gay person. In college, perhaps? No, college clearly wasn't in this person's agenda. I'm guessing someone spent two hours in a cowboy bar before realizing there weren't any women in it.
"Houston should have known the obvious. Electing a homosexual mayor will be seen by homosexuals as the same thing as electing for homosexual "marriage". Now, the homosexual community will flock to Houston with their agenda thinking they have found an "open minded" city. That will surely cause the 2.2 million other citizens to react."
And when the other citizens "react", presumably by attacking Houston's flocking homosexual population, it will have been the gays who "caused" them to do it. With their agenda. And their open-mindedness. And their deceptive lifestyle.
"To the person who said... 'This will serve to hopefully improve Texas' poor image as narrow-minded and ignorant. I'm glad to see there are some non-rednecks in Texas.'... I happen to be a conservative Texan woman who believes in Christian family values. Are you calling me a redneck because I believe that?".
YES. Thanks for playing. Collect your consolation prize at the door. It's Adam Lambert's new CD. Hope that's OK.
Ah, that was refreshing. Because as bad as the Democrats are - as wrongheaded and centrist and unwilling to use the power they've been granted by the electorate as they've shown themselves to be this year - there's still no way one of these redneck shitkicking pigfuckers would ever vote for one. And I'll take whatever silver lining I can get.