American Values

« December 2009 »

Memo to Wolf Blitzer, David Broder, and Thaddeus McCotter, and : YOU ARE DUMB.

Shining city on the hill? Whining shitty on the hill, more like. For American exceptionalism to have even the tiniest shred of value, America actually needs to be exceptional. That means not actually being base, venal, and stupid. Some people do not understand this. These people are IDIOTS, and they SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"I'm sure he will get a much fairer hearing than those 13 Americans who were brutally gunned down the other day. I'm sure he will get all of the rights that are applied by the military code of justice." - Wolf Blitzer, who, if Celebrity Jeopardy is to be believed, is also a general-purpose moron, haranguing the lawyer of Nadal Hisan, the Fort Hood shooter.

I'm sure they will too, you bearded collie. The difference is, I'm not snide about it, because I think it's a good thing when the justice system gives a criminal more rights than a psychopath gives his victims. That means he gets a lawyer, and he gets a defense, and ideally, if the facts are as Wolf Blitzer has already decided that they are, the defense won't matter and Nidal Hasan will be convicted of his crime. Of all the things to be an outraged dickwad about the fact that a criminal has a defense attorney is what you pick? And CNN is trying to represent the middle ground!

"It is evident from the length of this deliberative process and from the flood of leaks that have emerged from Kabul and Washington that the perfect course of action does not exist. Given that reality, the urgent necessity is to make a decision -- whether or not it is right." - David Broder, the anthropomorphic representation of the very concept of being Part Of The Problem.

This was a couple of weeks ago, before Obama made a decision, back when Dick Cheney accused Obama of "dithering" and then, suddenly, all of Dick Vader's media stormtroopers were echoing the "dithering" charge either verbatim or, in the vein of Broder here, arguing that making the wrong decision was better than making the right decision a few days later.

Of course, Obama -did- make the wrong decision, but the fact that he either thought about it, or pretended to think about it for a couple of months first is not the problem, no matter what David Broder says. Of course, Broder was a huge, huge fan of most of the other hasty, wrong decisions made by a guy who was so proud of making hasty, wrong decisions he called himself The Decider. So what he said isn't all that shocking, it's more that he forgot to soften the blow with weasel words the way he usually does. Another exceptional American virtue there, David. Shooting first and asking questions never.

"Remember, the people who talk about the melting of the glaciers and others, imagine if you were in a peninsula around 1,000 BC or so or earlier and your name was Tor and you’re out huntin’ mastodon. And you didn’t notice that the glaciers were melting and leaving the devastating flooding in its wake that became the Great Lakes in the state of Michigan. So I think what we have to do is go back in history and look at this and realize that the Earth has been here a long time and they’ve selected periods of time and say somehow this proves there’s a manmade global warming occurring is absolutely wrong. - Michigan congressman Thaddeus McCotter, being welcomed back, if you will, to that late night Fox News show where they say stupid shit, think it's funny, and blog about it afterwards on Big Hollywood.

Another reason America is elevated as a shining example to follow is our democracy. We vote in America, selecting only the best and the brightest to represent us and our uniquely American values, carefully crafting laws just like on Schoolhouse Rock.

Well, the great state of Michigan voted for a guy who thinks that global warming is a hoax because he imagines that a caveman named Tor didn't care about the Ice Age melting three thousand years ago. What he said couldn't be any wronger if he'd TRIED. I don't watch Red Eye, so it's entirely possible that Greg Gutfeld was hitting him in the head with a two-by-four while he was saying that. Well, OK, it's not entirely possible, it's just the most charitable explanation for what came out of his law-hole.

Oh, America's special, all right. It's a wonder the G8 doesn't make us ride the short bus to their meetings.