Revolosers

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Memo to Wingnut Revolutionaries: ALL TALK, NO ACTION?

Have the disgruntled conservatives gathered up their carefully hoarded guns and saved America from sociofascist Obama yet? No? I wonder why that is. I mean, what are they waiting for? Obama is going to pass health care reform soon, he's already "ruined' Reagan's missile defense, he's won the Nobel Peace Prize... how much more does he have to ruin America before they finally act? I can only assume it's because they simply haven't talked about it enough yet.

I mean, it's fine and dandy for me to criticize the mouth-to-balls ratio of the Wingnut Revolutionaries, but what do I know? I'm reasonably happy with the Obama presidency. Apparently the angrier you get, the more you have to talk about how angry you are so that you'll get angry enough to act, and then you get angrier, so you have to talk more. It's like a freakish Zeno's Paradox - the closer you sound to someone who's gonna storm the White House with your AK, the farther you actually are from doing it.

At no event was this more clear than at Phyllis Schlafly's "How To Take Back America" conference, which, from the name, I assume was intended to create action plans and form agenda items and set the next meeting date for the conference committee that will work out the operational details of the armed insurrection. Of course, then Phyllis had to go off script and submit to everyone "that the feminist movement is the most dangerous, destructive force in our society today... My analysis is that the gays are about 5% of the attack on marriage in this country, and the feminists are about 95%."

Really? A bigger threat than socialism? Than communism? Than fascism? Than melanism? I would find that difficult to believe, but Phyllis Schlafly is a genetically engineered organism who uses "hating feminism" the way mammals use oxygen, so there you go. Luckily for the Wingnut Revolution movement, other attendees stood up to fill the rhetorical vacuum caused by Schlafly sucking.

For example, there was Kitty Werthmann, a conservative activist whose name can be punned on a minimum of three separate ways. Kitty and I have one thing in common - we're both begging for this to happen. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"If we had our guns, we would have fought a bloody battle. So, keep your guns, and buy more guns, and buy ammunition... Take back America. Don’t let them take the country into Socialism. And I refer again, Hitler’s party was National Socialism... And that’s what we are having here right now, which is bordering on Marxism.

Werthmann longs for this because she desperately wants her troops to storm the Nazi-Marxism border. I long for this because watching a bunch of middle-aged white dudes waving their pistols around wondering whether the Nazi-Marxism border is in Virginia or Maryland would be the funniest thing ever. These people would be a lot easier to take seriously if they had the slightest sociopolitical fucking idea what they were talking about, but if they did, they wouldn't be having these meetings and making these speeches.

Still, Phyllis Schlafly, an activist named Kitty... these are just cranks. Crazies. Nobody with any real power, right? I mean, it's not like a Republican congressman got up before these people and declared Barack Obama an enemy of humanity or anything. Well, you know. Except for that one guy who did. Trent Franks, from Arizona. After the event, his spokespeople clarified and said he meant to call Obama the enemy of "unborn humanity", which isn't actually an improvement anywhere outside Crazytown.

Still, the most strident clarion call for American overthrow skipped the Take Back America conference entirely, and graced the pages of NewsMax for about a day before people saw it and they pulled it down. In the article, John L. Perry, NewsMax senior editor and weekly columnist for years, posted the single greatest piece of Wingnut Revolutionary thought seen to date:

"There is a remote, although gaining, possibility America’s military will intervene as a last resort to resolve the 'Obama problem.' Don’t dismiss it as unrealistic... A coup is not an ideal option, but Obama’s radical ideal is not acceptable or reversible."

The reason I love this so much is that John L. Perry is lying. A military coup IS the ideal option for the Wingnut Revolution, because it allows John L. Perry and Kitty Werthmann and Trent Franks and Phyllis Schlafly to do what wingnuts do best - shoot their mouths off and talk tough while the soldiers do the actual work. Work that, no matter how much their gums flap, they would never, ever have the huevos to actually do themselves.