Locavoracious

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Memo to Norm Coleman, Tim Pawlenty, and : WELCOME TO THE SLOW SLOW MOVEMENT.

In the food world, the big things the past few years have been the "slow food" and "eat local" movements. The idea is to be more in tune with the seasons and environments by eating the way people used to eat before refrigerated trucks and supermarkets. It's an admirable goal, even if it was thought up by people who either don't live in Minnesota or hate mangoes. In honor of their movement, I now present the YAD equivalent - a day of stupidity harvested from within 100 miles. LOCAL IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS ALMOST WITHIN EARSHOT!

"And when you're the commander in chief of the Minnesota National Guard, and you're going to deploy soldiers -- like we are tomorrow night at the St. Paul civic center, a thousand soldiers going off to Iran and a month from now another thousand going to the middle east to fight in the war -- it helps to have an understanding of those issues, the dynamics, the security issues." - Timmeh Pawlenty, defending his trip to the Munich Security Conference on NPR.

Hm. I'm beginning to question this idea. Local stupidity isn't any fresher than, say, the stupidity that got trucked in from Alaska months ago. And the last time someone tried to feed me the line that their figurehead role commanding the National Guard required special knowledge and insight, it didn't go down very well either. I hope that when Timmeh went to the Twin Cities' second-greatest indoor sporting arena slash concert venue last night, he sent them off to the right country. Here's a hint. It's got a FUCKING Q AT THE END OF IT.

"God wants me to serve." - Norm Coleman, on psychotic wingnut Mike Gallagher's radio show.

God wants you to serve, Norm? God wants you to be a senator? The unsaid implication, of course, being that God doesn't want Al Franken to serve? By the way, this quote simultaneously exposes the strength and the weakness of the Internet. Because "God wants me to serve" is precisely the kind of targeted insanity the Norm Colemans of the world adopt when speaking to a specialized audience. In this case, the troglodytes whose 1974 AM radios are glued to Mike Gallagher's spewpipe.

Ten years ago, the only people who would have even known Coleman had said that would be the trogs, and they wouldn't mind, because they also think God intelligently designed Norm Coleman's attempt to turn his mouth into the Cliffs of Fucking Dover. Now, thanks to the Internet, someone heard it, reported on it, and now we all know about it. Also, thanks to the Internet, nobody gives a shit. Whoops. And nobody will give a shit a month from now after Norm, like the Arizona Cardinals, fails to blame for his loss the same God he credits for his wins.

"Public works offer short-term fixes that cost money to construct, more money to operate and maintain, and no permanent employment. This plan will permanently increase the cost of government for all of us and will end up benefiting only a few." - Richard T. Anderson of Brooklyn Park, whose incredibly generic Midwestern name will probably prevent him from ever Googling this and finding out how fucking stupid he is.

I realize that the literary and cognitive standards to have your letter to the editor printed in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune are mind-bogglingly loose. Hell, I rely on it. But at the risk of looking a gift moron in his slack, drooling mouth, could we perhaps stop printing letters that contradict themselves from one sentence to the next?

How can you have no permanent employment in a project that costs more money to operate and maintain, and permanently increases the cost of government for all of us? It's either short-term, which isn't actually a horrible thing no matter how many times Michael Steele tries to disparage it, or it's a permanent, long-term need for upkeep and maintenance, in which case someone's going to have to permanently keep it up and maintain it, aren't they? Richard T. Anderson is just pissed off because he can't build an argument, much less a bridge.