Hey, Wasn't There Something About Torture?

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Memo to all you suckers out there: YOU ARE DUMB.

Seriously. If anyone out there is still in the "it was just seven bad apples performing fraternity pranks" crowd when it comes to U.S.-sanctioned torture, you need to stop staring at what you had for breakfast two hours ago, pull your head out, and join the rest of us in the big wide world of PAYING ATTENTION.

I know it's not easy, what with non-stop footage of people walking slowly past a casket occupying your time 24/7, but bear with me here. Things are still happening outside of Washington DC's necrophilic orgy, and if you've been relying on the "bad apples" theory to help you sleep at night, better stock up on warm milk.

Obviousy, the Bush Administration does not support torture. We know this, because John Ashcroft and Scott McLellan told us so. Scott McLellan, as White House press secretary, must be inherently trustworthy. After all, the job description of "press secretary" is to go out and tell the press what he's been TOLD TO SAY. And if he's been told to say the Bush administration doesn't support torture, and it wasn't true, he'd do what all the other press secretaries do all the time. Tell the truth, blow the whistle, and become famous. Riiiiight.

But John Ashcroft says so too, and if anyone would know about the Bush administration's attitude toward torture, it'd be John Ashcroft. Because Ashcroft is the one the Bush administration asked to look into whether or not it'd be OK TO TORTURE PEOPLE.

Ashcroft's response, by the way, basically boiled down to "If the people actually doing the torturing say they didn't -mean- to torture anyone, they'll probably get away with it". Oh, and he also provided the legal opinion that the President can do whatever the hell he wants as long as he's acting in his role as Commander In Chief, and laws barring torture really don't apply to him.

In case you're still confused, allow me to provide you with a lewd analogy including profanity to possibly clear things up. This is as if a creepy, 37-year-old gym teacher at the local high school were to spend, say, three hours a night on the Internet researching age-of-consent laws for his state, educational ethics, and district policy, and then claiming he is in NO WAY interested in fucking the head of the cheerleading squad.

But hey. Let's all take a big hit of the crack for a second so we can pretend that they're not lying. Which means they're incompetent fucktards, not evil fucktards. Because they went to a bunch of lawyers and asked them to prepare a 50+ page report on whether or not they could get away with something they DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO DO. Can you imagine how many billable hours went into that? Makes Pentagon hammers look like a bargain.

I mean, at least when 800 of our tax dollars are spent on a toilet seat, it's being used for shit containment. I suppose Ashcroft and Bush could wipe their asses with this report, but why bother, when they've got a perfectly good Constitution and flag to tide them over until at least November?

At least the assholes who think it doesn't matter what we do to brown furriners because they're brown furriners are ignorant evil redneck fucks with a firm grasp of reality. They know we're torturing people as policy, they just don't CARE. But the "bad apples" people need to realize that our current administration felt the need to check to see just how much torture they could get away with. And I guess we're all finding out the answer to that together, ain't we.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled non-stop coverage of DUDE IN A BOX.