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« October 2008 »

Memo to Edina Lady: YOU ARE DUMB.

I feel bad about not doing a column for yesterday. Wait, no I don't. But I want to make it up to the loyal readership anyway. Wait, no I don't. But I do want to give you something extra special today. Well, not really. But it just so happens that I've HAD an extra special column planned for today anyway, so let's just all go back and pretend it's a deliberate attempt to win back your favor.

As you probably know, Wednesday is the traditional day for the roundup of moronic quotes we call IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS. But as courts have ruled over the years, "speech" means a lot of things, from giving money to a political candidate, to not saying or doing anything within ten miles of the Republican National Convention. Bumper stickers are also a form of speech, so I'd like to devote today's column entirely to the array of stickers found on a woman's car driving around Southdale Mall on Saturday afternoon. IDIOTS PUT THE DAMNDEST THINGS ON THE ASS-END OF THEIR CARS!

"Get Out Of Hell Free"

We set our theme up with this lovely sticker, which implies that the eternal battle for souls between God and Lucifer is just like a game of Monopoly, only with "Pray Place" instead of "Park Place" and abortion instead of winning a beauty pageant and getting ten bucks. But apart from that keen analogy, the sticker is a huge fucking lie.

Christians will tell you that all you need to do to avoid Hell is to accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior, and that seems pretty close to "free", but don't fall for the bait and switch. That's not the end of it. You have to go to the weekly meetings to prove you've done it. When the Sunday School class has a bake sale, your soul's eternal damnation rests on whether or not you pay three bucks for a two-inch square of Duncan Hines. You have to start committing all your sins in secret. And you have to carry the fetus to term. Does that sound "free" to you? Fuck no. I know devout people. A lot of time and effort goes into that shit. You want Jesus? Well Jesus costs. And right here's where you start paying... in sweat.

"3 Nails + 1 Cross = 4Given"

OK, first of all, fuck whoever wrote this on general principle. Do not bastardize mathematics with your Northwestern Bookstore bullshit. Second, "4Given" sounds like a praise-music boy-band made up of four 32-year-old youth ministers, each of which has no clue the other three are also closeted gays. And third, I should get my ass down to Home Depot.

This is what you get for using one of the building blocks of reason in a metaphor, dumbass. If your bumper sticker is theologically sound, then all I need to be forgiven is three nails and one cross. Not three specific nails, not one specific cross. Math doesn't give a shit what nouns you run through it. Hell, I can be extra efficient and use the three nails to hold the two pieces of the cross together. And a plus sign is a cross, so if anyone asks, I'll just tell them it's a dreamcatcher I started in summer camp and never finished. Then, when I die, in the unlikely event that I find myself in the Christian afterlife, I can present the three nails and a cross as some sort of, oh, I don't know. Get Out Of Hell Free card or something.

"Never Drive Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly."

Can someone explain to me why it's always me, the ATHEIST, who's forced against my will to contemplate the theological implications of the crap that worship-monkeys plaster on the backs of their cars? This is a classic case in point. Here's what I've determined.

Guardian angels. The manifestations of God's infinite love, sent to Earth to use God's infinite power to watch over and protect the lives and souls of the people who have given those lives over to Him and His awesome glory? They top out at around 80 miles per hour.

I love this. God apparently can't make a rock so big that God can't lift it, but the Japanese can make a car so fast that God's heavenly agents can't keep pace. Fire all the philosophers! The ineffable nature of divinity lacks sufficient torque! Don't you hate it when you're trying to get somewhere, you pop into the left lane to pass someone, and WHAM, there's a fucking guardian angel, steering with one hand, messing with his harp with the other, and their left wing blinking the whole goddamned time.

And now we're ALL at a dead stop because the hosanna-beast he was supposed to be protecting is upside down in a ditch. THANK YOU JESUS.