Bail, Bar, and Bullshit

« September 2008 »

Memo to Jack Thompson, John McCain, and Sarah Palin: YOU ARE DUMB.

The news is in a constant state of flux. John McCain has become a wrinkly gray pinball bouncing through domestic politics, leaving chaos and destruction in his wake. And who better to navigate a wake of destruction and chaos, possibly on a small plastic board of some sort? The SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY.

But before we get to old conservative fuckwits whose comeuppance is merely on the horizon, let's take a second to bask in the pain of an old conservative fuckwit whose long-delayed comeuppance has finally arrived. Yes, Jack Thompson, the rabid anti-game lawyer who is one diagnosis away from being clinically bugfuck, got disbarred this week on account of being an utter fucking loon who thinks anyone who doesn't agree with him about burning all copies of any Grand Theft Auto game ever and prosecuting Rockstar Games for war crimes is part of a vast conspiracy to keep him down. Of which his disbarment is just another example. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"This disbarment is in retaliation, among other things, for Thompson's Tyndale House book Out of Harm's Way, published in 2005, which blew the whistle on the Florida Supreme Court's earlier efforts in the 1990's to literally pathologize his faith-based and successful activism against the American entertainment industry." - Jack Thompson, in a third-person statement that makes him sound completely reasonable and sane. Really. Still, in the world in which we live, it's unlikely that this huge professional setback will keep Jack Thompson from irritating the living fuck out of society for money.

And speaking of irritating the living fuck out of society and money, if anyone has any fucking clue what John McCain is doing, could they call him and tell him so that he'll know? By yesterday afternoon, it looked like we were heading for a traditional Democratic/Republican showdown. You know, the one where Bush and the Congressional minority threaten to hold their breath and turn blue unless they get their Big Crazy Stupid Thing, and the Democrats hold out just long enough to get a tiny concession that doesn't mean shit. Then everyone declares victory and goes home.

But then, by the evening, it appeared that Gramps McGrump was so desperate to disrupt the debate schedule that he came forward with a whole different plan. It's difficult to tell for sure because he gave no specifics, but the people whose job it is to figure these things out seem to think he may be getting behind a House Republican plan that makes Paulson's "Give me a trillion dollars in unmarked bills and trust me implicitly with it" plan seem like a paragon of reason.

The plan would include an "emergency" moratorium on the capital gains tax, which is hilarious, because this whole crisis is about massive, epic capital LOSSES. Oh, and it would also loosen accounting rules, presumably so it would be easier for rich people to pretend all their income was in the form of new, tax-free capital gains. Oh, and privatizing Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which I don't even understand, so I guarantee they don't either.

But McCain is for it, or he's for something like it, or he's for something completely different. I can only assume it's because if he fucks with it, there won't be a deal, and if there isn't a deal, he can cling to his one-ply paper excuse for blowing off the debate. And if they blow off the debate, then the debate schedule gets fucked, and if the debate schedule gets fucked, they can scuttle the VP debate, and if they scuttle the VP debate, then maybe Sarah Palin won't actually choke to death on her own tongue.

I mention the tongue-choking because it turns out Sarah Palin isn't just woefully unqualified, potentially corrupt, and criminally stupid. She's also apparently incapable of the rudimentary skill of stringing together words to form concepts that follow any kind of logical narrative. If you thought it was curious that she spent the two weeks after her RNC speech traveling around the country giving the same exact speech to people, live, like Cheap Trick at Budokan? Turns out she learned politics phonetically. And when confronted with unscripted softball questioning by journalism's completely not a paragon at all Katie Couric, she flamed out like a nitro-burning funny car protesting the Chinese occupation of Tibet.

"We-- we do-- it's very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where-- where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is-- from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to-- to our state." - Part of Palin's answer to the question of whether she's ever negotiated with the Russians.

Either Palin took a Toastmasters seminar taught by Dubya, or she's got a level of ineptitude that's simultaneously the funniest and most terrifying thing ever. We'd better hope John McCain doesn't find a way to start a war with Spain all on his own, because if I were saddled with a self-inflicted moose-shooting moron picked because she has more ovaries than brain cells, I'd probably want a bigger distraction than the implosion of the American economy.