'Til Dumb Do You Part

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Memo to Rachel Bird and Gideon Codding: I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU DUMB AND DUMB.

One of the until-now-unwritten rules of You Are Dumb Dot Net is that if you go around wearing a home-made T-shirt to pimp your cause, you're automatically a fucking moron, and as soon as I figure out what your cause is, I guarantee I'll think that's fucking stupid too. So when I saw Rachel Bird and Gideon Codding posing in their "Bride" and "Groom" T-shirts in the Sacramento Bee, I knew instantly that I hated their stupid, stupid guts.

Upon further research, I was right, of course. Nearly five years of judging the mental worth of humanity in both the collective and individual cases hones one's fucking skills. Bird and Codding are wannabe martyrs of the worst possible sort, inflicting mild discomfort on themselves in a desperate attempt to pretend that they're actually great victims of social injustice. Or, in more common parlance, ASSHOLES.

Here's the deal. As we all know, California legalized gay marriage. This allowed Sulu to marry his boyfriend, an old lesbian activist to be the legal spouse of her love of decades for a few months before passing away, and has had no negative impact on straight adults in California, unless you count the financial burdens from the huge surge in bridal showers and bachelor parties. Oh, and unless you also count the microscopic self-inflicted bullshit that keeps Bird and Cudding from being legally wed. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Those who support (same-sex marriage) say it has no impact on heterosexuals. This debunks that argument." = - Brad Dacus of the Pacific Justice Institute. Now, Brad Dacus of the Pacific Justice Institute is a dickhead, and very, very wrong, but for you to come to a full understanding of just how not debunky the Bird-Cudding grievance is probably needs to know what the Bird-Cudding grievance is. To wit:

"We are traditionalists – we just want to be called bride and groom. Those words have been used for generations and now they just changed them. We just feel that our rights have been violated," - Rachel Bird.

So what's stopping them from being called "bride" and "groom"? As far as I can tell, nothing. They can walk around in their "bride" and "groom" T-shirts with impunity from everything except the mockery of smart people. After they get married, they can call themselves husband and wife. But for Bird, it's vitally important for that terminology to extend not only to her entire married life, to her friends and family, but also to a piece of paper stuck in a filing cabinet in a government office somewhere in California. And as long as that piece of paper, in deference to Sulu and his boyfriend (neither of whom are brides), says "Party A" and "Party B", Bird and Codding refuse to sign it.

You see my point. They're not being denied any rights. They're just morons who are picking a fight. They're just fundie douchebags. In the case of Bird, a fundie douchebag with a fundie douchebag pastor father who, surprise surprise, is pushing this anti-Party agenda.

Well fuck you, Pastor Doug Bird of the Abundant Life Church, and fuck your divorced, two-kids-at-25 daughter, and while we're at it, fuck the divorced 29-year-old with THREE kids she can't marry, and get benefits for her children, because of your semantic hissyfit. Of course, it's not REALLY about the words at all, is it? If it were just about the words, you'd be voting against the anti-gay Proposition 8 this fall, and I'll bet Henry Paulsen's trillion dollars THAT won't be happening.

What it's really about is what it's always about. Wanting gay people to be unhappy so that you can feel special. Or at least more special than a pair of ugly-ass iron-on letter T-shirts can make you feel.