Preventing Door/Ass Intersection

« September 2008 »

Memo to The Lady Lynn Forrester De Rothschild: YOU ARE DUMB.

Depending on your habits, personal outlook, hobbies, and where you are in your personal life journey, you may have had a fairly sharp reaction to my opening salvo. For example, if you have fond but distant childhood memories of watching the Land of Make-Believe on Mr. Rogers as a child, you may be thinking I'm a bastard. If you spend your spare time writing Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves fanfic, you may be wondering how I managed to get into your My Documents folder.

And if you're a high-profile defector from the Democratic Party throwing your support behind John McCain, you're much too busy in your new role as the living, breathing anthropomorphic incarnation of right-wing reality-denying double-standard hypocritical fuckery to read my little column. Which is a shame, because I wanted to wish you well on your new career as a Republican shill. About the only question I can think to ask is why it took so long?

The Lady Lynn Forrester De Rothschild is not, as far as I know, one of the villains in Caddyshack. I cannot say with confidence that she was not a villain in any of the Caddyshack sequels, whether theatrically released or direct-to-video, but I think it's unlikely. She could be, though. She's 54 years old, and was already obscenely rich ten years ago, having made around $100 million dollars in the telecom industry before meeting and marrying the now 77-year-old Sir Evelyn Rothschild after they were introduced at - and I must insert the obligatory promise that I shit you not here - the Bilderberg conference by Henry Fucking Kissinger.

I'm not saying that all rich people are unrepentant dickweeds. Warren Buffett's OK, the Google guys are cool, and even Bill Gates is a repentant dickweed. But there is something about a multimillionaire who weds a British banking scion nearly a quarter century her senior, whom she met at an event infamous in conspiracy circles for its secret control of global events, as a match made by one of the world's biggest unprosecuted war criminals. Something that reeks of evil.

But this epic pile of upwardly-mobile stereotype claims to have been a lifelong Democrat and Hillary supporter, and so when she came out in support of Gramps McIHATESPAIN, it was big news. But why would she do it? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I believe that Barack Obama, with and Nancy Pelosi and Howard Dean, has taken the Democratic Party _ and they will continue to _ too far to the left. I'm not comfortable there."

I can only imagine the list of places Lady Lynn Forrester de Rothschild is uncomfortable. Taco Bell, I'd bet. Sam's Club. Commercial aircraft. But Pelosi and Obama as crazed radical far-lefties?, the group founded to help her bestest friend Hillary Clinton? There must be something else to it. Let's check in with an editorial she wrote for the People's Socialist Newspaper of Record on September 11.

"If Barack Obama loses the presidential election, it may well be the result of a public perception that he is detached and elitist -- a politician whose expressions of empathy for hard-working Americans stem more from abstract solidarity than a real connection to the lives of millions of citizens." - Lady de Rothschild, in the Wall Street Journal."

But wait, you think. Lady de Rothschild's crazy money, incredible lifestyle, and the very strong likelihood that she penned those words on a Swarovki Crystal-studded laptop on her private jet flying from her London home to her New York home seems to sit in direct contradiction to her criticism of Barack Obama (who has never, ever been invited to join the Bilderberg Group) as an elitist. But you would be wrong. Lade Lynn Forrester de Rothschild, whose husband is British and named Evelyn, has it covered.

"While Obama supporters attempt to dismiss the charges about their candidate's perceived hauteur, they confuse privilege and elitism. Elitism is a state of mind, a view of the world that cannot be measured simply by one's net worth, position or number of houses."

Well, that is seriously fucking convenient. Hell, under that definition, -I- could be an elitist. OK, bad example. But still, you've got to marvel, jaw agape, at the platinum balls it must take to gerrymander a definition of elitism that lets de Rothschild off the hook while skewering Obama. The rest of her editorial is McCain supporter boilerplate - Obama's "Greek columns" at the convention, Sarah Palin's working mother street cred, oh, and let's not forget that John McCain was a POW, so he can have as many houses as he wants.

Well, Lady Lynn Forrester de Rothschild, go fuck yourself. Is that "common people" enough for you? You claim you're not switching parties, but please do. You've been a Republican for a long time, and you might as well run with it, because I don't think we're gonna let you hang out in our clubhouse when you're not hobnobbing with Kissinger. Oh, you may SAY you're pro-choice, but it sure is easy to support Sarah Palin and lie to yourself that she's a centrist when you're menopausal and the only thing that comes out of your husband's dick is a small cloud of stale Earl Grey powder.

I'd tell you not to let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, but I'm assuming you've got people for that.