May The Schwartz Be With You

« September 2008 »

Memo to Gabriel Nathan Schwartz: YOU ARE DUMB.

How great a day was yesterday? Holy shit! First, thanks to a link from Crooks and Liars, something like 20,000 people saw You Are Dumb Dot Net for the first time. Hi! Hope you stuck around, because today brings a whole new kind of bingo. Not only did the site get swamped, but I found the new Rock Band wireless drums. Oh, and I'm pretty sure I had my first ever schadengasm.

I'm serious. Make sure you're sitting comfortably and are wearing stain-proof pants, because I'm pretty sure when you hear about this, you're going to have a schadengasm too. Remember the Republican National Convention? You know, a couple of weeks ago, here in Minneapolis, where we invited America's Whitest Douchebags into our restaurants, hotels, and sporting arenas, in the hopes that between hate rallies, they'd leave behind a bit of money for the local economy?


Gabriel Nathan Schwartz came all the way from Denver to be one of Colorado's delegates to the Republican National Convention. To sit proudly with his fellow Coloradans, waving oversized American flags while Sarah Palin made fun of community organizers. That's all he wanted. Well, that's not actually all he wanted, but it's most of what he wanted. Well, OK, it can't actually be most of what he wanted, because when Sarah Palin was up there charming the pants off small-town America, Gabriel Nathan Schwartz was getting the pants charmed off him in the new luxurious Ivy Hotel in downtown Minneapolis.

According to police reports - and seriously, hold on to your fucking armrests and maybe put a wallet in your mouth, because this is about to reach horse-fucking levels of awesome - Schwartz met a babe in the hotel bar, and invited her up to his room. She accepted. They went upstairs. She fixed some drinks and told him to get nekkid. And the next thing the 29-year-old delegate remembers is waking up. The woman? Gone. Between $50,000 and $120,000 of his stuff? Also gone.

Now I know what you're thinking. Yes, Republicans suck, but that's not enough to openly celebrate the drugging and robbing of one who was just looking for a little female companionship that wasn't wearing glasses and shooting moose. And that's fair. Luckily, I can assuage all your inclinations for sympathy so you can revel in the woman who brought balance to the Schwartz. Let's take a look at what was stolen, according to police. ACTUAL LIST TIME!

"The haul included a $30,000 watch, a $20,000 ring, a necklace valued at $5,000, earrings priced at $4,000 and a Prada belt valued at $1,000, police said." - St. Paul Pioneer Press.

Two things jump immediately out at me. First, a $30,000 watch? FUCK THAT GUY. Even if he is to be believed and the stuff wasn't worth as much as police said, that's still a really expensive watch. Past the "I need to know what time it is" price, past the "man this watch is cool" price, past the "showing off" price, and well into "I have to tell you how much my watch cost because I'm a douchebag" price.

And second, as the article points out, Schwartz is a single attorney. So what the fuck were expensive earrings, an expensive necklace, and a Prada belt doing in his hotel room to be stolen in the first place? Either Schwartz is one hell of an accessorizer, or there's even more to this story than meets the eye.

Still, just the act of throwing around wads of cash on useless and/or inexplicable stuff is not quite enough to allow us to reach the heights of schadengasm. If only Schwartz were in possession of some truly odious right-wing political opinions. The kind of thing that the GOP Elders never talk about except in back rooms. Ideally, these opinions would be expressed in the most frat-boy asshole way possible. And if we could, maybe throw in some lines full of sweet, sweet retroactive irony. What's that, you say? Is your $30,000 watch telling you that it's ACTUAL QUOTE TIME?

"Less taxes and more war... more war... Iran, baby! [Bomb Iran] to protect Israel. Hopefully just bomb the hell out of them from the sky, no troops. We should plant a flag, take the oil, take the money. We deserve reimbursement. Just do strategical air strikes. Take out their nuclear* facilities. Simple... We could use slingshots and beat 'em, I'm sure." - Schwartz, answering the questions of a reporter from LinkTV.

Oh, yeah. That's the stuff. Right there. You can say a lot of things about the woman who ripped off Gabriel Nathan Schwartz, but you cannot deny that she did, in the end, provide an INTENSE feeling of satisfaction.

*And if you're wondering how he pronounced it, you're absolutely correct.