Auto De Inhofe

« September 2008 »

It's like that scene in the middle of Aliens. I feel like I'm trapped in a small room with a handful of other smart people, and the idiots have worked their way past the sentry guns and the sealed doors, and they're getting closer and closer. I wonder how they could cut the power? They're MORONS. But they're about to break through into the room, and all I can do is see how many I can pick off one by one. It's time for IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I'm not questioning Sen. Obama's patriotism, but you have to question why at times he seems so obviously opposed to public displays of patriotism and national pride, like wearing an American flag lapel pin. - You Are Dumb Dot Net's least favorite senator, Oklahoma's James Inhofe.

What the fuck is it with states with panhandles, anyway? Florida has a panhandle, and it's full of xenophobic hicks and crazy people. Texas has a panhandle, and it's... fuckin' Texas. Oklahoma has a panhandle, and it gives us the dumbest legislator in the history of lawmaking, James Inhofe, who thinks the earth is cooling, Jesus will be back any day now, and that you can say you're not questioning someone's patriotism, follow it in the SAME FUCKING SENTENCE by directly questioning someone's patriotism, and get away with it.

That last one is sort of true - he sort of can get away with it, which is why I think we need to re-institute the duel into American politics. It's an extreme measure, I know, but if human urethras like Inhofe knew that someone they insulted might be coming after them with a gun and the ability to count ten paces, then maybe they wouldn't be such douchebags. And maybe they'd learn to count to ten, and their new interest in math would lead to an interest in science, and they wouldn't be so fucking stupid. Or at the very least, they'd get shot in the face. It's basically a win-win-win. BRING BACK DUELING.

"I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT AND THEN I WENT TO HELL" - Church sign outside Havens Corners Church, Blacklick, OH.

You wouldn't have known it from reading this column, but all summer long, conservatives, religious nuts, and their ilk have been getting their granny panties in a Gordian knot over "I Kissed A Girl", this summer's hit song by Katy Perry which is not a cover of the Jill Sobule song but is instead a hideous abomination.

But it's just a musical abomination, which is why I haven't bothered covering the furor in this space, on the grounds that if I'm going to go to the trouble of defending something from Katherine Kersten, it should be something worthier than a pop song celebrating the fake-bi girl-smooching that Girls Gone Wild made millions from. But this sign deserves a little special attention.

I would do more research into the cultural mores of Blacklick, OH, but it turns out when you Google "Blacklick", you find very little information about Ohio. At least I'm pretty sure it wasn't in Ohio. There weren't any street signs visible through the motel windows. And if God will send you to hell for girl-on-girl lip action, then I can't even imagine what he'll do to me for those search results. Or what he'll do to the people IN the search results. The dude's calendar must be non-stop wrath-distribution.

"You don't have a horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach all the time. I like my life. Now I can give the vague, unhelpful advice that I got for seven years." - Former Dubya speechwriter Michael Gerson, reflecting on his current job as a columnist and pundit.

I've read Michael Gerson's pundit work, and I have to say, I'm stumped. I have no fucking idea what that horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach could have been while he was working for Bush. It couldn't have been guilt, because if it were guilt, he'd be trying to atone for his actions Scott McClellan style. It can't be shame, because a quick perusal of his current work proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that this skunkhumper has no shame at all.

I suppose it could be fear. Fear that at any moment, the people could rise up with pitchforks and torches and drag his sorry ass out onto the White House lawn for drawing and quartering. And now that it hasn't happened, and he has landed safely and securely into a cushy job lying for money, the sense of relief is overwhelming. But that would require a degree of self-awareness in Gerson that is, once again, completely contradicted by the available evidence.

If I believed in the human soul, I suppose the feeling could have been Gerson's fleeing his body, but since I don't, I'll just have to assume that Gerson is bullshitting the Washington Post to get them to leave him alone during his lunch. He probably doesn't even know he was bullshitting them. Lying is second nature to idiots.