Virginia Is For Straight Lovers

« September 2008 »

Memo to Melissa Busse: YOU ARE DUMB.

Have I mentioned how much I loooooooove Republicans? I will admit, my columns from earlier in the week may have hinted at a certain antipathy towards my suck-ass retarded brethren on the other, wrong side of the political aisle, but the week's over, the convention's over, let's all just let bygones be bygones, you brutally insipid fucks.

Sure, you've spent the last week in what I consider my territory, even if I haven't quite managed to mark the entire 494/694 loop with my urine. And sure, you spent the entire time here being assholes and lying and yelling. And sure, one of you was Joe Motherfucking Lieberman, who I knew was one of you before he knew he was one of you. But what the hell. I'm willing to forgive if you're willing to get the fuck out and stay the fuck out. Let's just go back to our old, comedically acrimonious relationship.

For example, we could take a look at Virginia, specifically the lieutenant governor's office, specifically aide Melissa Busse, who reviewed a guidebook they bought for 150 members of the Virginia delegation and found it wanting. Or at least found it the wrong kind of wanting. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Having a section dedicated solely to GLBT will be a BIG problem for many of our folks. We simply can't hand them out." - Busse, in a letter to Rake Publishing, the people behind "Secrets Of The City", a travel guide to Minneapolis.

Gotta love it. Apparently, one section of a book about Minneapolis mentions the things that gay people might like to do while they're here, and the 150 or so delegates from Virginia are apparently going to completely lose their shit if they see it. Once again, the brave warriors of the GOP, defending us from the Muslim hordes and the Mexican infiltration and the dreaded ANGRY LEFT, are undone by the awesome power of homo eye cooties.

What was Busse thinking? That merely glancing at listings for drag shows would make the delegates' retinas want to have sex with dudes? I don't read a lot of travel guides, but I'm pretty sure there's all kinds of shit in those I don't want to do. Like antiquing. Pick up any travel guide to any city in the world, and I bet it'll have antique shops in it. If I buy one of those and read it, I'm not going to show up in the city craving clock. Even if it's a long, hard, glistening, well-built grandfather clock. Even if the guide describes in detail how much I'd enjoy having that clock. I'm still not gonna walk the streets of that city looking for clock once I get there.

But apparently I'm not as susceptible to temptation as the Virginia GOP delegation. Apparently they have to be protected from the very knowledge of the very existence of GLBT-oriented entertainment here in the Twin Sin Cities, lest they never make it out of the airport bathrooms to cast their votes for Gramps McGrumps. The lieutenant governor, who says he disagrees with his aide's decision, is still going to pay for the guides, which is kind of him. This way everybody wins. The Rake gets their money, the Xcel Center gets its delegates, and we get yet another classic example of Republican homochondria as they sail off into the sunset.