Why Republicans Suck: RNC Edition

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Memo to Republicans: YOU SUCK.

It's Day One and a Half of the Republican National Convention, which I'm assuming it will be kicking into gear now that Gustav is slowing down and the attendant posturing becomes less and less necessary. So it's time to talk about why Republicans suck.

And when I say that Republicans suck, I don't mean that I disagree with their policies. I do disagree with their policies, largely on the grounds of them being stupid and wrong, but that's an entirely separate issue from their sucky, sucky suckiness. Sure, it would be easy to point out how, say, Sarah Palin's support for abstinence-only education has backfired spectacularly into the womb of her 17-year-old unmarried daughter, but that's not my goal here. I'm talking about specific aspects of the GOP's tactics that, to put it as plainly as I possibly can, suck a donkey's wide-stanced ball-sack.

Case in point: Republican politics is driven almost entirely by spite. You would think, this week, there would be masses of fat white men in suits with horrifying scars in the middle of their faces. Republicans are willing to oppose things just because Democrats support them, and oppose them proportionately to the level of public support Democrats get for them. Look what happened after "An Inconvenient Truth" came out. The more attention Al Gore got, the mor rabid and hysterical the right-wing noise machine became.

And they are willing to take it to levels of self-parody that would kill an ordinary human. If you watched The Colbert Report, you saw Stephen Colbert try to run his microwave oven all week long in order to counter the DNC's attempt to have a "green" convention and minimize its carbon footprint. Funny stuff, yes. Parody, no. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"What can you to help? Take part in our carbon ONset program. We are asking you to make just a few small sacrifices to completely wipe out any potential energy savings the Democrats claim credit for... Use more energy for mother nature. Do it for the earth (or more accurately, the people living on it... Now, how many, how many extra miles can you pledge? Can you drive five extra miles a day? Can you take the long way home, the long way to work? Can you just warm up your car? I know it’s August. Can you cool down your car? Can you get up like you do in the winter and just start your car?" - Glenn Beck, on his radio show.

That's spite. Pure, unbridled spite. It doesn't even make any sense. If the Democrats have a green convention, that doesn't affect Glenn Beck at all. He's not going. None of his listeners are going. If the Democrats save some energy, then they save some energy. Whee. But since the Democrats are doing it, Republicans have to do the opposite.

And apparently, the opposite of saving energy is WASTING energy. Not just using more energy. Not burning dinosaur drippings to produce something of even momentary use. Not to make art, or build something. Just waste it idling your car or doing loops around the block in your SUV. It's not a statement of policy like he tries to pretend it is. If he was interested, as the right so often claims, that people will suffer because of energy conservation, then counter the Democratic energy savings by actually alleviating some fucking suffering.

Spite, on the other hand, requires nothing more than spite. As one wise man put it, what Beck's engaging in is the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes. If the Democrats had been smart, they'd have announced that, thanks to a new pilot program, the Democratic National Convention would be 100% free of people committing ritual suicide with melon ballers. Then Glenn Beck could go on his radio show and start the kind of counter-programming I can really get behind. Melon ballers for EVERYBODY!