Mandatory Two: Electric Boogaloo

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Memo to Sarah Palin: YOU ARE DUMB.

I was planning a whole series of columns on Why Republicans Suck in honor of the Republican National Convention here in my own stomping grounds, but it appears fhat the Republican Party has learned the lesson of Hurricane Katrina, and is remembering to pretend to care about hurricanes while they're happening, instead of days later after the birthday parties and other vital affairs of state are out of the way. So the first day of the RNC is toast, which conveniently prevents the not-very-popular George W. Bush from speaking, prevents the not-very-sane Dick Cheney from speaking, and prevents the not-very-Republican-lately Arnold Schwarzegroper from speaking.

It's so convenient you'd think conservatives had spent weeks praying for inclement weather to disrupt the party convention. Well, they did, but it was last week's Democratic convention they were aiming at. So I guess it's omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, and omniaboutfourdayslate.

But if they're delaying the start of their convention, I'll delay the start of my generic excoriations of the Sucky Old Party, and instead focus my attention on the specific excoriation of the Sucky Old Party. Yes, it's the latest in my ongoing series of Reasons Not To Vote For John McCain: Reasons Not To Vote For Sarah Palin edition.

SHE'S A CREATIONIST.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Palin is a proud rider of America's political short bus. While she hasn't stated outright that Jesus rode dinosaurs, she said the next best thing. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Teach both. You know, don't be afraid of information." - Sarah Palin, Alaska gubernatorial debates.

Amazingly, she managed to squeeze THREE creationist talking points into nine words. That may be some kind of a record. The idea that those of us who can separate reality from mythology are the scared ones, the idea that creationism is "information", of equivalent value to census data, the fossil record, and DNA testing, and the idea that middle school science students are on the edge of their seats, carefully evaluating what they're told by government-appointed authority figures to decide for themselves what is correct. I can name that moron in nine words, and fuck putting anyone that stupid into the line of succession. Again.

SHE HAS FIVE KIDS.

OK. I know this is going to sound like an extreme position, but I don't care. If you have five kids, there's something wrong with you. Every single child a couple has after #3 is increasingly indicative of either ignorance, an agenda, or both. Either they can't stop having kids, because they're too stupid to figure out how, or they WON'T stop having kids for any number of reasons. Maybe they fetishize the infant years. Maybe they're trying to outbreed the brown people. Maybe they think the Bible wants them to keep their quivers full. Maybe they're just genetic showoffs.

My point is, as the number of children you have increases, so do the odds that each successive child is the result of an inherently sociopolitical decision. I call this the Duggar Principle. And at five, Sarah Palin is far enough along the Duggar Curve for me to question her sanity.

HER VAGINA.

Or, more accurately, what her vagina represents - the transparently cynical adoption of identity politics. You've got a black guy? Well, fine, I'll get me a chick, and maybe peel off some of those broads who are permanently on the rag about that Clinton dame losing out. She's the political equivalent of a trophy wife. She was picked solely to look good standing next to McCain. Not in a physically attractive way, although there's a bit of the Dan Quayle thing going on too.

No, she looks good standing next to him to the Jesus-freak wingnuts who were still uncomfortable with the "agents of intolerance" McCain circa 2000. She looks good standing next to him to low-information "independent" voters and, ironically, the press, who all think the pick shores up McCain's "maverick" image even though he wanted Joystick Joe the whole time and Karl Rove vetoed him. And she looks good to racists, who will leap at the chance to "make history" that doesn't involve voting for a darkie.

And since all of that is clearly reprehensible behavior even by the limited Republican "standards", let's not even consider rewarding any of it in November, shall we? Thanks.