What They're Up Against

« August 2008 »

Memo to Karl Rove, Richard Cohen, and Megyn Kelly: YOU ARE DUMB.

I haven't really been paying much attention to the Democratic convention this week. With the Republicans invading my home turf next week, I need a bit of a political buffer zone. But I do need to give a certain amount of attention to Michelle Obama's speech on Monday. From all accounts, the Obama campaign put a great deal of care and effort into presenting the presumptive future First Lady in the best possible light and counteracting the wildly xenophobic right-wing propaganda from the primaries that she's some kind of raging militant.

And I hope, today, that they realize just how little anyone cares about that effort. And on the off chance they don't, allow me to helpfully provide a Michelle Obama Speech Reaction edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I don’t think she did too well on saying I love America. That wasn’t adequate enough because, look, people are gonna hear that, and then those that have paid attention to her earlier comments are gonna try and square those two off." - Karl Rove, FOX News.

Assuming the human race survives and America regains its sanity, we're going to look back on this decade and wonder who the fuck it was that a news organization would pay Karl Dograping Rove to tell the viewers whether Michelle Obama demonstrated enough love for America. Karl Rove hates America. And it's not even an honest hate like Osama bin Laden's hatred of America. Karl Rove hates America in a sick, corrupt, selfish manner. He doesn't even have enough respect for America to bomb it. He just tunneled his way to the inside and started eating, like a fat fucking earwig. It must be tricky, gauging Michelle Obama's patriotism while you employ an army of Constitution-fucking Bush administration lawyers to keep your turd-blossoming ass free of a minimum-security prison.

"Last night, she gave the standard “Log Cabin” speech expected of nearly all American public figures -- born poor, raised in faith, etc. -- with nary a mention of race. It was a speech designed to reassure, but it did not do that at all. Politics can sometimes be ugly. In this case, we witnessed how a dynamic woman with a razor-sharp intellect had -- for the moment -- been lobotomized." - Richard Cohen, professional dickwad, Washington Post.

Oh, look, it's our good buddy Richard Cohen, last seen in these spaces lamenting how people think Stephen Colbert is funny and he isn't. Well, congratulations, Dick, because this was fucking hilarious. Worthy of Joseph Heller. Michelle Obama, portrayed as an angry black woman for the entire calendar year of 2008, gives a speech in which she doesn't rail against "whitey", espouse black militant theology, or wear a dashiki, and here comes Richard Cohen to immediately label her as inauthentic, overcautious, and LOBOTOMIZED.

I really hope the Obamas don't spend too much time finding that sweet spot where they don't intimidate racists while still pleasing media barnacles like Cohen, because that sweet spot is like Bigfoot, Jesus, and Richard Cohen's dignity. It doesn't fucking exist, and any time you spend searching for it is time you could better spend elsewhere. You cannot win with these people. It's the journalistic equivalent of the Kobayashi Maru.

"Do you think that, you know, her saying that she loves America, that she loves this country, is going to do it for those who questioned her patriotism? Because she said something -- what she said was, and I wrote it down, was, 'The world as it is just won't do.' If you replace 'world' with 'country,' you're back to the same debate, arguably, that you have been having about Michelle Obama's feelings about this country. Did she give her critics any fodder with that comment?" - Megyn Kelly, Fox News

And here comes Megyn Kelly, playing the role of three more Romulan ships in our Kobayashi Maru analogy. Even if you go over every single word for hidden meanings, exploitable loopholes, and potential misunderstandings, along comes Fox News to speculate on how unpatriotic it would have been if you'd said something completely different. But seriously, Megyn, if that's your REAL gratuitously-devoweled name, why stop there?

I mean, if you replace the word "she" with "I", "critics" with "boss", "fodder" with "head", and the word "comment" with "job application", you could argue that Megyn Kelley got her job by sucking off Rupert Murdoch. Which gets you back to the same debate, arguably, that we've been having over whether the entire on-air staff of Fox News, from Brit Hume to Steve Doocy, are complete and utter whores, or if they'd do it even if they weren't getting paid.

Let's all just cross our fingers that if Obama didn't know who his enemies were before this week, he certainly does now, and treats them with every last bit of plausibly-deniable contempt these wormhumpers deserve.