In Russia, Butt Spanks You!

« August 2008 »

Memo to the Russian judicial system: YOU ARE DUMB.

It seems strangely appropriate. Right now, the news is full of images from Georgia, as Russia attempts to take by force that which it cannot obtain through peaceful and mutual negotiation. But instead, I'll be talking about the fascinating ruling from the end of July on a sexual harassment case in St. Petersburg.

I say it's strangely appropriate because the woman lost, joining the ranks of all but two women, ever, who've tried to sue their bosses in Russia. The case was fairly cut and dry. A 22 year old woman was locked out of her office for attempting to control the means of (re)production.

More specifically, she was what you might call a refusenik in the delicate matter of her 47-year old boss wanting to play ""hide the KGB mole" with her. I know what you must be thinking. What's more sexually irresistible than a 47-year-old Russian executive? But resist she did, and it cost her her job, and the judge was fine with it. Why was he fine with it? You'll love this.

"If we had no sexual harassment we would have no children."

Ah, the ugly, vodka-bloated face of biological determinism rises once again. Apparently, the birth rate in Russia has gotten so low that their only hope lies in middle-aged assholes gleefully impregnating young women against their will. To hell with demographic winter. If that's what it takes to propagate your people, maybe you should step aside and let someone else have your nice buildings.

It's precisely that kind of thinking that makes me glad I live in America, where biological determinism would never be used in a ham-handed attempt to rationalize boorish behavior and deny women basic reasonable freedoms. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to read the Daily Gut, where author Greg Gutfeld provides me with the blatantly telegraphed double-take moment I need. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I mean, as a dude, I am hardwired to stare at breasts. Sorry - it's a biological fact, backed up by reams of data proving mammaries are magnets for the male eye. Apparently, breasts are designed mostly to attract men to the front of a woman, so, they will engage in sex that leads to reproduction, and species survival. It's nature's neon sign that says, 'Hey, stupid - not the butt - over here.'"

Now, this is clearly fucking ridiculous. But it's so ridiculous I knew there was no way he could have come up with it on his own. He must have wildly misinterpreted some actual science somewhere, and after a bit of research, I figured out what it probably was. The theory he mangles is that bipedal hominids spend a lot more time face to face than face to ass. So the ass became less prominent as a sexual attractor, allowing breasts to, shall we say, grow into that role. It is not, as King Shit Doofus thinks, that titties make it more likely for men to hit the right hole.

So why would anyone write a paragraph like that in the first place? To take a stand against public breast feeding, of course. What else could it be? Public breast feeding means public breasts, and public breasts mean public ogling, and there's nothing he can do about it because if he didn't stare at your La Leche display with La Lechery, he'd poke you in the pooterhole with his tiny penis and never propagate his genes. Or, in an even less flattering way of putting it, here's Gutfeld's own words:

"In a sense, my eyes are like two little infants, who also need sustenence. You can understand that, right?" - And in a sense, the eyes are the window to the soul, and therefore, in a sense, you have the soul of an infant, desperately in need of sustenance. And also desperately in need of the ability to spell "sustenance". And also desperately in need of either throwing yourself down a deep rocky hole, or moving to Russia where this kind of thinking qualifies you for judge's robes.