Talking Penis Memo

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Memo to John Edwards' Penis: YOU ARE DUMB.

It has become clear over the course of this weekend that it is no longer legal, in America, to not have an opinion about John Edwards fucking around on his wife two years ago. I'm not entirely sure why that's the case, but time and time again, I'm reminded that I don't make the fucking rules. And since I can understand why you might be reticent to spend the time forming your own, independent opinion of John Edwards' penis, I'll do it for you courtesy some new YAD Talking Points.

IS IT NEWS?

  • Sort of. It's not news enough to warrant the amount of coverage it's gotten already, that's for damn sure. Assuming the current version of events bears out as true, he was fucking around two years ago as a private citizen, his wife found out about it two years ago as a private citizen, and presumably they worked it out as private citizens. From a purely idealistic standpoint, there's no more reason to harp on Edwards' infidelity than there is to publish the sordid details of any other southern lawyer's love life.
  • On the other hand, he's famous. And he ran for President this year. And ideal or otherwise, one of the rules of engagement the media have with celebrities is that the media WILL track your genitals. With RFID if they can manage it. So wringing your hands over the media invading the private lives of the citizenry in a tabloid sex scandal feeding frenzy is disingenuous and irritating, and if you're doing it, you should cut it the fuck out.
  • Luckily, it's possible to have it both ways. All you have to do is decry any coverage that occurred after you read the two paragraphs above, while admitting that any coverage that took place before you read the second paragraph above is understandable given the circumstances, if a bit regrettable.

DO WE HATE EDWARDS NOW?

  • Sort of. I don't care that he cheated on his wife. I don't even technically know that he DID cheat on his wife. Maybe he had permission to fuck around. They'd never admit to it if he did, because that'd cause an even bigger stir than garden variety infidelity. But either way, it doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter if he did it while she had cancer. John Edwards was not a moral crusader, he didn't oppose gay marriage on the grounds that homos can't keep it in their pants, so there's no hypocrisy charge to be laid at his crotch.
  • Of course, if he knocked her up, that's a whole 'nother story. Now, as far as I know, the only people claiming he knocked her up are the National Enquirer, but if he did, that's stupid. And even worse, it's TACKY. And he's lying about it and it'll draw the story out and it'll be a whole big mess. So I really hope he didn't knock her up, because if he is the Jacksonian "one", then that's a perfectly valid reason to hate on him.
  • No matter what, we can hate on him for running for President while having this particular skeleton in his closet. It was a ticking time bomb, and if it'd gone off when he was the nominee, or even the running mate, we'd have been collectively fucked. If Edwards didn't think he'd be electable if this came to light, then he shouldn't have been running, because this shit ALWAYS COMES TO LIGHT. Trying to keep it under wraps was stupid and dangerous.

WHAT NEXT?

  • Nothing. Refuse to talk about it. Claim reticence to feed the beast. Declare forthrightly that you don't want to be part of the sex-obsessed, scandal-addicted water-cooler culture. Take the moral high ground.
  • When that doesn't work, remember that this will probably hose any chances Edwards had of being Attorney General, because putting his penis into a non-wifely vagina makes him less fit for the office than John Tittycovering Ashcroft, Alberto Torturing Gonzalez, and Michael Covering Up For Torture And Probably Torturing A Little On The Side Mukasey. That oughta shut 'em up.