Thinking Problem

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Memo to David Zucker and Stephen Hayes: I'LL NEVER BE OVER HOW DUMB YOU ARE.

Yesterday, we began our own special making-of commentary on the Weekly Standard's right-wing fellation of David Zucker and his new movie, "An American Carol". In "Carol", the ghost of General Patton attempts to guide a bad Michael Moore parody away from left-wing, terrorist-abetting activism and toward the proper, moral, upright American way of fearing and shooting brown people.

Yesterday, I offered up a few examples of the lame-ass "satire" Zucker is going for here, but there is one other scene that deserves a quick crushing. Let's keep in mind that the beloved Zucker Bros. comedies of the 80's didn't start out particularly fucking subtle. Add a couple of decades to that, plus the Dennis Miller defunnification factor that automatically comes with a post-9/11 political shift, and what have you got? This:

"In the film, a rotund comedian named Rosie O'Connell makes an appearance on The O'Reilly Factor to promote her documentary, The Truth About Radical Christians. O'Reilly shows a clip, which opens with a pair of priests walking through an airport--as seen from pre-hijacking surveillance video--before boarding the airplane. Once on board, they storm the cockpit using crucifixes as their weapon of choice."

See? Rosie O'Donnell said radical Christians were as dangerous as radical Muslims, so Zucker has Rosie O'Connell saying that radical Christians act exactly like one particular bunch of radical Muslims acted seven years ago. Which is such a ridiculous strawman I can only assume Zucker's secret inner fantasy is to remake "The Wizard Of Oz".

But let's set the movie aside for a second. There are two other aspects of this article that make it so awesomely bad. First is the loving attention given to the bravery and importance of the "Friends Of Abe". Named after Abraham Lincoln, it's a regular meeting, circle jerk, and group therapy session for Hollywood conservatives. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Such revelations are common occurrences at the periodic meetings of the secret society of Hollywood conservatives known as the "Friends of Abe." The group, with no official membership list and no formal mission, has been meeting under the leadership of Gary Sinise (CSI New York, Forrest Gump) for four years. Zucker had spent a year working on a film with Christopher McDonald without learning anything about his politics. Shortly after the film wrapped, he ran into McDonald, best known as Shooter McGavin from Adam Sandler's Happy Gilmore, at one of these informal meetings."

Where to begin? First of all, any group mentioned in the Weekly Standard and dozens upon dozens of Google pages is the worst fucking secret society ever. Second, any secret society with no schedule, no member list, and no goals is the worst fucking secret society ever. And third, any secret society where the big insider info you get is that the guy from Happy Gilmore likes Bush is the worst fucking secret society ever. Why are these people so scared? They're scared of Muslims, they're scared of Hollywood liberals, they're scared of being associated with modern Republicanism... why not call yourselves the Friends of Ronnie? Why do you have to go back to the 1860's to find a respectable member of the Republican Party?

The other great thing about this article is the ridiculous, almost casual bias that author Hayes throws in unbidden. He treats his transitions like a wingnut talking point Mad Libs. It's awe-inspiring devotion to a moronic cause.

"But Zucker's film... is once again reviving hope that conservatives will have a battalion in this exceedingly influential battleground of the broader culture war. - I love how wingnuts militarize everything so that they can serve just like soldiers without actually, you know, being shot at.

"His brother Jerry remains an unreconstructed liberal and recently optioned a sympathetic movie about the life and times of serial fabulist Joe Wilson and his wife, Valerie Plame." - A gratuitous shot at Joe Wilson? Did I die and wake up in Lambert's Personal Hell Circa 2004? Should we bake up a yellowcake to celebrate?

"He contributed another $600 to an outfit called the "Hollywood Women's Political Committee" which, with members like Jane Fonda, Bonnie Raitt, and Barbra Streisand, probably wasn't calling for low taxes and abstinence education." - This, from a lengthy section describing Zucker's liberal past, just drips with the kind of generic, namedropping scorn you can only get from a douchebag at the top of his game. Stephen Hayes, I salute you. Well, it's been called a salute. It involves at least 20% of my hand.

OK, I lied. There is one more thing I have to mention about the movie. It would be incredibly offensive if it weren't so completely fucking ridiculous that I know it doesn't actually apply to anyone who actually exists. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"David Alan Grier plays a slave in a scene designed to show Malone what might have happened if the United States had not fought the Civil War. As Patton explains to a dumbfounded Malone that the plantation they are visiting is his own, Grier thanks the documentarian for being such a humane owner."

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have found the polar opposite of the Rosetta Stone. If we can decipher this paragraph, it will be possible to never understand anything ever again. Anti-war doesn't actually mean anti-Civil War, first of all, which the FUCKING SOUTH STARTED, second of all, so they could keep their slaves, third of all. So if the South had seceded, and the North had acquiesced and not fought, slavery would not only be thriving in the South, but would spread to California (not actually part of the Confederate States, mind) where liberal filmmakers would have adopted the practice wholeheartedly!

If that seems even remotely like a cogent political argument to you, you should probably give Gary Sinise a call. I hear they don't have any volunteers yet to bring the brie and wine coolers to their Rambo marathon in September.